Oh dear, I must've lost my damn mind on Monday. We had one customer in the place all day long and he only got one dance (and not from me). So I went to the local bar to get some food and a few drinks before returning to the club. I ended up staying at the bar until 11:30 or so, after having consumed three long islands, several beers, and some shots of Jag. Needless to say, I was drunk. Ponge had met me at the bar for an hour, we sat outside while I ate my sandwich and he ate my fries and talked about Us.
Well, when I told him about Jeremy on Sunday it became obvious that the situation was starting to hurt him. So we talked and such and the whole thing is kind of fucked up. Basically I decided that I'd rather be with my loving partner in a monogamous fashion than to lose him and be single/polygamous. Random make-out sessions aren't worth losing Ponge. I was okay with it when I thought he thought he was okay with it, but now that he's realizing he doesn't really want to put his heart out there for me to go trampling all over it by fucking around with other people (not really how I see it, but I see why he sees it that way)...well, if anything these past couple months have taught me that I really don't want to lose him in my life.
So I told him that I would close off the relationship and tell people that it was that way again, and he's having a hard time trusting me with this. I said that I was not going to stop staying out all night at times, but I was going to take the potential hook-up factor out. He doesn't quite believe me and I can't really do anything about that. I understand his distrust, he'll just have to find out through time and experience that I mean the words I've said to him. That is, if he still wants to work on Us. He was talking about possibly moving out. I told him I wasn't ready to give up, I had some shit I had to get out of my system and was uncertain about what I wanted in my sex life...
Anyway, I said my position and told him he had to decide what was right for him. I'm not ready to give up and would be really unhappy if he moved out, but I also want him to be happy and if he thinks that's best for his life I'm not going to try to force him to do anything he doesn't feel right about.
So anyway, our conversation was interrupted by some guy (Glen was his name) trying to get some cash out of us for a pay n stay homeless shelter. We bullshitted with him for awhile, gave him some money, then Ponge left at like 9pm. I went inside to have one more drink (I had had 2 long islands by then) before work and got to bullshitting with someone inside and drank all what I've already described. Well, the night shift was almost as dead as the day shift so when Amy asked me to go to the bar with her at 1:30am I said yes although I was still drunk. At the bar we sat next to some drunk business guy who bought us drinks (two shots of tequila and another long island for me) and gave me $20 for no reason that I could discern. I think he was trying to show that money wasn't a big deal to him.
So by then I'm fucking wasted and we leave to go back to work (the club stays open til 3am) and I get in the club just in time to see that my regular was there! He text messaged me asking if I was there, and I was like hell yes! And busted my ass downstairs. I thought I'd never see him again because he had it all in his head like he was in love with me and I had to just break it down and say that I could never see him outside of the club. Now, obviously this is because I don't mix my professional and personal lives; but I told it to him like considering how we met it would just be too wierd for me to deal with.
So anyway, I was happy as shit to see him and I don't think he minded how wasted I was because he spent a good deal of money on me anyway.
But good lord, how I was hungover the next day and how I threw up the night before are not even the best signs of how drunk I had gotten. When I went to get my street clothes on I apparently only put on one sock. I didn't notice this until I went to take my socks off at Carrie's (the co-worker I used to go down to Austin with) house where I was spending the night because I was not going to come home reeking like I must've and hoarking in our toilet when Ponge had to work the next morning.
Well anyway when I finally made it off of Carrie's couch at about midnight last night and came home, Ponge wanted to make love. I was super tired and knew I wasn't going to really get much turned on so I told him that and said if he wanted to have sex we could but I wasn't going to get any more in the mood for it than I already was. He said that no, it's not fair for him to ask me to have sex if I'm not really in the mood for it and we could just wait until another time.
I tend to think that we're going to be alright. And...whatever does happen, it doesn't negate what already has.