It's a funny thing when you realize you've been sucking up to someone for a long time, and called it something else to yourself. To myself, I called it my own conscience, a part of me that wanted to be "good" or "better." A part of me that wanted to want to be always productive and wanted to want to go to bed early and wanted to want to be calm and wanted to want to be laden with self-imposed responsibilities.
But this doesn't have to be. What I actually want, is to complete the responsibilities I do have; but to complete them within a framework that fits the rest of my life. Life is not just a series of time fillers and accomplishments. Life, and when I say life I mean life for me, is a balance between my many parts. I mistook wanting to be like her for wanting to be reigned in from the parts of my life I pattern to excess. But I also found myself succumbing to her judgment, trying to make my life look to her like I think she would approve of, when speaking to her. Trying to use her self-burdening soul to burden my own and in that way be free of my fancies.
But fuck that. I like my fucking fancies, and I can choose to live my life any fucking way I please. Nevermind getting a house, I'm not sure I even want to be her fucking roommate anymore.
It makes me absolutely irate that she should think herself in a position to judge my actions or choices. And it makes me question myself as to why I give a fuck so much. Because she won't be my friend if I don't? Who needs friends like that? Because she won't respect me? Why should I so fear her loss of respect? Or is it that I never had her respect in the first place? Was it only when I was the cleaning nazi that she respected me? Was it only when I was the least of the chaos that she respected me? Is it only when I am hot and bothered that I earn respect?
Who is she to judge how much I contribute to or value my job? Who is she to be pissed that I went on vacation after years of never going on vacation?
Quite fucking frankly I have probably been through more in my years than she will have by the time she is my age, and am not really in a position to be judged by her. Not that I am in one to judge her, either...
I guess I told myself I thought we both thought were equals. Part of me must have known she didn't see it that way, but wanted it to be.
Well, this is quite a bummer.