That thing about the patch giving you completely insane and real dreams is so fucking true. I dreamt more last night than I remember dreaming in the past month. Every dream was so fucking real, and many were nightmare-ish. They prominently featured a hella ton of people: 4rik, J0el, 4na, S4rah, 4shly R0se, J4y from my job, BoyFace, Jam!e, 0tha, J3nny, lots of crusty w3st b4nk dogs, my brother, my friend N4te, etc., and many many new and believable personalities. Where the hell does my mind come up with these storylines and well-developed characters? Many of them were variations on repetitive dreams - but with strange new twists on the same idea.
I frequently have dreams in which I'm trying to find a bathroom or locker room to masturbate in, but every one is occupied or disgusting or both - I can never have this private moment. In one of the earlier dreams of the evening, I was trying to find a private place to vomit. The house I was in was a combination of my current house (my first dream to take place here!) and of this house I used to live in from 5th grade through 10th. I have many dreams there. But everywhere I went there were both known and unexpected guests staying. I felt queasy and just wanted to vomit but didn't want people to see or hear me while I did it. One of the places I tried to go was the garage/patio on the side of the house, but J3nny was staying there with her dog - who she was leaving at the house when she traveled. I asked the dog's name and she told me. I called the dog, and the dog corrected me - I had mispronounced it. I realized I could talk to the dog and we chatted a bit while we played, I don't remember about what. Simple things.
I had another dream in which I was on a bed that was raised off the ground by four wooden posts, and I could hear the constant squeaking of rats moving around very nearby. It was dark so I couldn't see but was afraid they'd get on the bed and bite/eat me. I kept thrashing around, throwing my covers up and down and around so that any rats that were around would go flying off or get scared and run away. The noise wouldn't quit, so I knew there were still fucktons of rats near me. This kept on until I gradually woke and realized I was in my own bed and there weren't any rats. Funny how I felt unsafe on the raised bed in my dream, but completely safe on my real mattress on the floor. I suppose this dream at least makes sense, when I was very young I stayed with a babysitter who had us sleep in the basement where, indeed, the bed was raised off the ground and there were rats in her basement. One of my few memories of that time is her chasing a rat from under the bed with a broom. I was probably two or three. She eventually was arrested for child abuse. I don't know what happened to her. I think her name was Grace.
At some point as I woke I realized I should try to take control of my dreams. They were of the sort that could be developed into a lucid dream. I managed some success with this in the next round. I don't remember this next dream, except that at some point I was on a ledge above a grassy area and I told the people I was with (vague faceless dream people) that we should all try to fly, since it was a dream and we could. I jumped from the ledge, but did not fly and simply landed on the ground. Then I remembered I'd had much better luck in controlling dream flight if I first simply tried to float, from a standing position. This I tried, and succeeded. Soon we were all floating. I achieved some navigation, and then I don't remember what happened. I think I woke up.
The last dream I remember (sort of) had a long pre-amble that I don't recall...but eventually I was watching the preparation of this movie about racism in inner cities, vaguely based around dance culture and pimp culture. My co-worker J4y was an extra, but was asked to leave since when the director reviewed the film he didn't look like he would have been there naturally. I left the filming area and went into this warehouse-like auditorium of sorts. Dark, cement floors, random wooden fold-up chairs, lots of people. Weird pig-dog monsters wearing thorn & flower collars everywhere. They were being vaguely threatening to me until I grabbed one by the neck and told it very sternly - look, this is my dream, behave! They decided to behave.
4rik and J0el and 4shley R0se and some other people were there, but I was separate from everyone I knew, and not really by choice but just by happenstance. The film ended up being a play that was being shown that night, in the same area as the filming had been taking place. I asked how much tickets were and was told $15. I was upset and the door person explained that the free tickets that night were for someone else. He grabbed one of the playlet brochure things, which said $15, and wrote $10 on it and handed it to me, said he could do that much for me.
I hadn't entered or paid yet, but was trying to find a seat nonetheless. I found everyone sitting on these high rises, on the wooden folding chairs. There was one chair left next to J0el, but it had a jacket on it. He said the chair was reserved for 4na. Oh, I said, sort of feeling alienated and dejected. He offered to go get me a chair, but I felt strange accepting his chivalry. I looked at the row of my friends. BoyFace had just arrived, and was sitting far away. I noticed, but didn't say hi although I wanted to. I couldn't find my $10 pamphlet/ticket and was worried about it.
I went to go get a chair from across the warehouse room, but when I went to the other side of the room I had no control over my actions. My boots were sliding all over the place and I couldn't stop or change directions very easily. I had no traction what so ever. I felt embarrassed about this and decided to make my efforts to get to the chair into a sort of comic routine - clowning my slippery way over to the chair both on my feet and on all fours. I felt sad and separated from everyone, different and closed off. I woke up.
I think this last dream make some sense as well. I have been feeling a bit separate from my friends. Sobriety, lack of finance, working a lot, being sick, traveling a bunch. So, not really being around and not feeling energetic or drunk or on the same page as people frequently. Sitting around the house when other people are just kicking it still feels the same, but I definitely have a different energy than people when they are all drunk and hyper. At that point in the evening I am usually just tired and mellow. I think I appear crabby or too heavy-minded or something, when in fact I'm just not jubilant as I don't have the numbing and energizing drug of alcohol feeding my emotive and physical states.
Then with being out of town a lot, and working so much, I feel like I don't really spend any time with anyone. At least not any quality time. In big groups it's always the drinking that leaves me feeling totally on a different page than other people... I feel like I've barely seen BoyFace at all, except to sleep together. Which is nice, but it feels a little hollow when that's all the time we've hung out for the past couple of whiles. He has a CD release show this weekend, so maybe I'll have fun there. It is at a bar, which may or may not be lame, depending. When I was at the bars with my brother in Madison I was SO bored. But there wasn't anything happening and I didn't know any of the people there so all there was was hanging out in a noisy environment witha bunch of drunk people I didn't know, and didn't really want to know. Not fun or interesting. But there was nothing else we knew of to do in Madison, and we wanted to get out of the house. I was satisfied after about an hour out, but of course the people drinking want to keep doing so until bar close.
...
It's a strange time right now. Definitely a lot of transition for me. I suppose it's no wonder that I'm questioning my friendship circle once again...actually what it is is that I'm afraid our friendships won't survive my personal life changes. This makes me anxious and sad, and tempted to chuck all I've worked and all I'm changing to preserve these relationships that I cherish. Deep inside, though, I know what I'm doing is the right thing for me. And I know that if some of my relationships fade away as a result, I will also make new relationships. It's just kind of hard, and lonely, is all.