I fucking hate everything. People are shit. I suck at success. I kind of want to die (now then, you inclined to be worried, I'm not going to off myself or anything; even though if something were to accidentally kill me I probably would be down with that until maybe I actually realized I was really about to die and then I would probably wish I hadn't sort of wanted something to accidentally kill me...)
There's no like, consistency to anything. I get really angry about being judged for things that aren't true. If you are to hate me and spit on my name, I better goddamn well have earned it. Being subject to the misperceptions and lack of ownership of another drives me fucking mad. Finding out about it through the everfucking internet is doubly sanity-splitting. Why can't people just fucking be present at the time of their frustrations? Why is communication such a fucking difficult thing? If I am pissing you off, call me out on it at the time. Or at the very least, have the decency, self-respect, balls, whatever you call it, to fucking call me out on it the next day! Don't just write a bunch of horseshit-shit-talking in a really public manner and not directly confront me about it.
Perhaps direct confrontation would be a problem because your sorry ass would be called out on all the shit you are fucking wrong about??
Honestly.
There was PLENTY of opportunity for this discourse the night of the supposed offense.
Fuck you. Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.
And I (ha!) had thought you had changed.
Thought you were less of a douchebag.
You sir, have fundamentally poor character.
...
In other news.
Maybe I should see a shrink. I feel sometimes like people keep asking me if I'm okay. And I think I'm okay, until people keep asking me if I am. Then I think, maybe I'm not. FUck.
.
So...when I underperform at my job does that mean:
A. I am destined for self-destruction?
B. I'm really fucking lazy and need to just grow the fuck up?
C. It's not really the job for me and I need to find something else?
D. I'm too unstable to hold a 40 hour a week career type job?
E. Something else?
F. I fail?
G. I'm too night-oriented to do a day job?
H. I drink too much to do a day job?
...
It's been a real wierd couple weeks (months? Life?). I feel totally out of balance. Like sort of happy and such and sort of really miserable and mostly just utterly confused about what sort of state I might be in...
I'm sick of not understanding my own behavior, and sick of feeling like I'm fucking up at my job but somehow not able to stop and somehow not ever getting punished for it or even talked to about it. It's like there is almost no accountability there, at least not in a serious way?? It's really strange. If a job gives me an inch, I take about 7/8ths of it. And I somehow keep getting away with it...
Am I actually doing a good job and don't recognize it? I have no mode to gauge my performance level. I should probably bring this up with the ED/the Board. I don't feel very connected to the other organizers. I haven't the slightest clue what my norm should be there. I've seen evidence that people do half assed jobs in the past and never get fired but just have the other organizers talk a lot of (deserved) shit about them.
I worry that I'll get no warnings about my sometimes errant behavior and suddenly just get fired with no chance to change...
Am I too depressed to function normally in a 40 hour real career position? Has my career endeavor been too mutilated by years of non-career stripping? Am I just a whiny bitch-child who needs to pull her head out of her ass and stop all the stupid shit (like, for example, staying up until the wee hours of the morning when she should be sleeping - alcohol or no alcohol - I do this all the fucking time, even if I was unbelievably tired all day long)?
I want a warm cocoon to wrap myself in, and come out a butterfly, destined to be graceful until the end of my short days.