(warning: really uncharitable ungrateful extreme bitching about to ensue)
blahrrrrr. Someone write me and tell me how fucking amazing The 4rt Space is? That it's worth it and that you have really good ideas of sweet shit fucking ways to use our venue? Coz right now it just seems like a giant fucking money hole sucker that no one gives a shit about. So...I paint. Wheee. So, there's a trapeze, and silks, and giant mirrors and a hardwood floor and it's own private bathroom where the door is warping from usage. So, there's a PA. So, there's yoga classes. So, we show shows and offer film festival space. So, I am fucking broke. So, I've been broke for months and months and I can't make myself give enough of a shit to go to the strip club all the fucking time to not be broke. I am badly in need of some other REAL partners in this. Fresh blood? Money? Time? Ideas? Bueller? YOU out there, can you pitch in $100/month? $500/month? Something or other???Fuck. My head is stuck on how I have this great new job and I STILL have to work at the fucking strip fucking club just to pay my fucking bills and how I would be so fucking awesome at paying my bills right now if I wasn't getting like a grand sucked out of my account every month. Please tell me it's worth it even though I haven't been there since I ran a pointless errand there on Friday and I almost never paint in there and the place feels like work, not sanctuary nor sanctuous work and the location is inconvenient for other crap I do and will be worse in the winter arg. The only thing I give a shit about in there right now is yoga, and fuck if I couldn't get lots and lots of yoga lessons for the amount I spend on rent every month.
I want a fucking digital camera. Again. Since my last one, a gift, was stolen. At, guess where, The 4rt Space! At our first show. Which means since 4pril has no camera the only thing I have to remember anything by is my shitty memory. No photos. YAYAYAYAY...I want to work 40 hours a week and have that be enough. I want to write checks for the bills laying in a stack next to my computer that I've been ignoring for months.
I want 4pril to call me back when I call her coz I need to TALK TO HER. I want when I'm exhausted all day long for that sensation to not just lead right back into night insomnia...again! I want to be able to talk about the other thing on my mind but it's probably not a good idea.
Sigh...what a whiny fucktart, non?
It seems utterly synchronistic to me that my lease at The 4rt Space and the grant money funding my new job run out at the same time...end of January. What then? RR...alright, okay, calllllm down. Quit panicking.
Maybe remember that the art show coming up should be pretty fun, and the film festival. And I've had some really amazing times in there. And I like organizing stuff. And I like the variety of people and events we've culmunated thus far. And at least I'm doing something, and as much as I feel like a total wreck without my shit together whatsoever, I might have my shit together somewhat....and it's a journey and a learning curve and new and all that crap. And I'm probably just over tired and just adjusting to my new schedule and just in bad need of connecting with 4pril and most of all some bloody sleep.
Okay.. still. Anyone who wants to brainstorm with us or plan an event that is mutually beneficial or do something interesting and creative or just send us a postcard saying you'd be sad if we gave up, I could really use some community support right now.
lots of love,
k.