Fuck I hate waking from nightmares and emotionally still being stuck in them. I had this dream that I was grocery shopping with April, only I of course couldn't find anything I wanted or was being terribly indecisive due to overwhelming variety of choice, trying to find exactly what I wanted...
There was this pale short girl with chin length greasy black hair that wouldn't stop following me around and either being silent and staring and in the way or making disturbing comments and I started to get very angry with her and somewhat physical, trying to get her to leave me alone - shoving and punching. And April kept running off and then finding me again in the aisles, wondering why I was getting physical with this girl and I was like - no, you don't understand what she is doing to me.
April disappeared again and this girl was sitting on the counter where I started looking at these cherries (after first filtering through many nuts and berries and dried fruit options) and eating one of them forever while I found a bag (and there were many many bag options to decipher and the decision took forever) to put the ones I wanted to purchase in, I realized most of them were rotten and that they were actually sort of strawberries but it was hard to tell. I was trying to pick out the good ones to purchase....then tried to find the exact brand of hommos I wanted to buy & etc..
I kept searching for food items and couldn't find them and it was taking a million years just to get one thing on my list and the store had so many things I wanted and didn't want but suddenly remembered I only had $50 to spend and that made the decisions a little easier because I had limitations then on what I could purchase and had to prioritize..
I was in the pizza aisle trying to get a Jack's pizza (this had only two options - cheese and pepperoni) when these other two adults, a sort of crusty travelling-kid looking adult couple started to engage with me and some store promoter was trying to tell me about their new program where you share rides to get your groceries back home and I was thinking maybe I could do this with the crazy girl and the couple and was trying pizza samples, which were oddly enough being heated in the pizza freezer when April came back from whatever and announced that she was leaving right then and there.
I panicked and stated I wasn't done shopping and anyway I had to purchase all my items and was maybe going to sign up for this program and asked her if she was really serious about ditching me and she said yes in this really April-impatient-leaving-now way and then I felt myself starting to freak out and burst into tears wondering how the hell I was supposed to get my groceries home without help and decided to get the pepperoni since I then didn't give a shit about being considerate of anyone else in my food options (vegetarians) and then Cory was there and April was storming away and suddenly couldn't even find my cart and looked around every aisle and I felt really fucking insanely emotional (the horrid stress and drain and frustration that had been building up the entire dream suddenly amplified several-fold) and started to talk about how I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown and felt really embaressed about it because it all started with the crazy girl following me and these endless tiny grocery store task frustrations but I started to think no there has to be more than just this awful store experience that is making me feel this horrid and tried to explain away my emotional wreck of a state but no one really gave a shit and Cory made a sarcastic remake about my drinking habits and that made me feel worse but angry as well as I thought he should be more present for my needs at the time and I said, thanks Cory that really fucking helps and decided I wasn't going to find my grocery cart and ended up walking out of the store completely empty handed and still bawling my eyes out, with the exception that Cory suddenly found empathy and was sort of cuddling me as we walked down the sidewalk which sort of provided a little relief but I still felt utterly alone and miserable and unloved and I was still eating the pizza sample from the freezer.
...
I woke up feeling lonely and shitty and depressed and wondering what the fuck it all means (nightmare grocery store trips are a repeating dream of mine), and had overslept a meeting on top of it and now I have to go to my fucking job that I'm in no mood to be at. I want to go put good things in my body like tofu sandwiches and take a candle-lit bath and go for a bike ride and be around family and friends and sunshine and fresh air and read and go swimming and cry my eyes out and be pampered not have yet another fucking sinus infection steadily moving into my lungs and eat rhubarb pie and laugh and talk about things that are positive and wonderful.