That's great. I like how I follow some rant about not getting enough sleep and staying up forever with a comment on how I did meth for the first time in 18 months (and for like the 5th time in my life) And, the come down is as shitty as I remember, or worse. Or I had the flu or my drink was spiked or...I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
Girlface and her "friends" were smoking the shit all around me and kept offering me to smoke...um, I don't need to add smoking meth to my list of issues to resolve. In fact, I snorted about half of what Girlface gave me and I still have the other half. I don't know when the hell I will ever use it. Not today. Maybe I should just get rid of it. That's what I did with the last meth I had in my possession - I had a little baggie of it and just gave it to this girl I work with who I know uses it. Yeah.
Well. Time for a "real" update? Is anyone reading this shit anyway? Does it really fucking matter?
The art space so far has been more headache than pleasure. We have two or three shows coming up. Maybe we'll make some money on it? Fuck.
I got fucking 5th place in the sh0wgirl competition. I think I deserved at least 3rd, but, you know, I don't have huge tits or long hair. Fuckit. Maybe next year? The idea of stripping as a viable option for an entire other year or maybe longer is frightening. What will I put on my resume? What do I do for work when not stripping? I need to get my shit tofuckinggether! Make some real money and save some cash! I have nothing, nothing. Maybe this art space thing will turn into a lucrative venture at some point? Maybe I'll open up a real entertainment venue at some point? I don't know what to do with my life (big surprise).
Blah. Oh, and I am totally fucked love-wise. I completely love BoyFace. I'm scared to lose him or to not be loved as much as I love him. Emotionally burnt-out land was long ago and far away. Now I'm back to hey yer fucked if/when this turns against you. I have no will power either. I skip work to sleep with him. I love sleeping with him. There is this scene in M3 and Y0u and 3very0ne We Kn0w (a movie) in which one of the main characters is talking about how he and his ex-wife loved to sleep. Not fuck, but just sleep together, all the time. Well, BoyFace and I do fuck a lot, but I also really just love to sleep next to him, for hours and hours and days I could sleep next to him. I love the curl of his soft hands around my arm, I love his broad skinny-boy chest, I love the pattern of hair there and missing from parts of his head...I am utterly smitten.
And really happy, except when I get scared that I'm around too much, that we're going to get bored with each other, that I don't show him enough appreciation (he is terribly considerate), that etc. etc. etc. Then I freak out in my little brain and sometimes start crying. About things that haven't even happened yet...am I just practicing for the inevitable heartbreak that is love? (Christ with lines like that am I practicing screen writing for some shit soap opera or teen movie?)
I have a massive headache. Fuck, I need to sleep and drink water and go to work later. I feel crappy. I'm tired of feeling crappy. I had a respite from feeling crappy this weekend, though...Saturday night BoyFace and I fell asleep in each other's arms after some really great loving sex at like 9pm...in fact all I did all weekend was sleep. Yesterday morning I woke up totally refreshed and loving the sun and such at like 9am. It was really nice. I had breakfast with BoyFace and some friends.
It was really nice, and I have had a total shit couple of weeks here. I apparently needed all the rest, since I kept falling asleep early in the evening and sleeping for 12 hour stints (Fri and Sat in any case..), even though I should have worked. My account is in the red. I hate money shit. I hate the uncertainty of this job...