Oh fucking Christ, my issues are so bougie as to barely be worth typing about in my warm room with my very own personal computer and wireless internet with a cat purring on my lap and Chamomile tea in a mug to my right. None the less, I feel the compulsive urge to publicly display my total lack of clarity and decisiveness on any one thing...
So now I have another commitment to commit or not commit to, which is to go to Canadia with Troy in mid-March; this plus the art space plus the Big EuroTrip equals lots of financial hellishness and general planning insanity and possibly now Coratron isn't going on the trip and Tom just wants to go to London and April wants to go to Portugal (?) and who the hell knows where Sebastian will be and if I'd even get to see her and etc. and whatnot and well, fuck!
Priorities? Definitly the Art Space is my priority over The Cruise. Yessum. If one wins, that's it. And I probably can do both the Art Space and The Canadia Trip, but possibly NOT The Art Space and The Cruise, so maybe I'll just say Fuck Europe and stay on my own continent instead? huh..
Er, anyway, wasn't my plan to go back to Chiapas this summer and how the fuck is that going to happen if I go to Europe as well? Maybe I can concentrate a little more on paying off my stupid debts (credit card, school) and less on ill-planned cruises to Europe...fuckity fuck-fuck.
Plus, the idea of going back to Chiapas and getting to stay there for a month or more instead of one week is fucking exciting, whereas the idea of navigating Europe and finding some sort of reason to excuse the global warming my travelling contributed to fills me with anxiety.
Okay, then. Don't be a fucking dumbass. Get started with my Spanish lessons, get in contact with Chris (the dude who organized my trip last summer), get fucking reading, get the art space shit going (yay burlesque shows and such!), go to bloody Canadia, pay down my feckin debts. Roll with what feels right rather than shoving new things up my ass all the time. Although felt through the blurry mists of alcoholic time, I do remember how excited and inspired and refreshed and amazed I felt, and I remember how sincerely I wanted to explore my opportunities for living and contributing and learning in Chiapas. I felt like international work there could actually be my really real life, my Next Thing I Do. I pretty much never felt that way in Dakar, despite having the linguistic ability to navigate my own path there. And if I feel a calling somewhere I've been is it really necessary to flail about in Europe trying to be sure there isn't also a calling there?
Hmmm.....