Booooooooooooze.
I've been reading some of my old blogs.
Here is a funny entry from Sept 2004: "Is it bitchy to not want to hang out with someone you used to like being with because their life depresses you? About a week or so ago I ended up hanging out with Cory alone at V and Iz's place. I used to really enjoy Cory's company, although really we've never had much one-on-one time together. I was feeling sort of lonely and depressed about Ponge & missing Nathan (my brother) and Carrie (his baby mama) and Cory just is this kid who is sort of radical in politics and who is fairly educated about that sort of thing but all he does is like drink, read, hang out at coffee shops, and collect unemployment checks; as far as I can tell. To be fair he is trying to get a job at this hotel where a friend of his works. But at the time he just struck me as so dead...at the time I remember thinking. God - this isn't my crowd. I want to be around people who are really living life, who are active, who are looking for progression and acting on that search.
I am re-exploring my friendships up here, testing them to see if they still work. I don't really have a verdict so far, other than that the crew I met the summer before I left used to excite me so much. I used to want to be around them all the time. I don't think that is the case really anymore. Not that I dislike any of them really, just that it's not exciting to me to be jobless. It's not exciting to get drunk 4 out of 7 days of the week. It's not exciting to spend all of your free time milling about hipster & grungy coffee shops bullshitting about what happened when you were drunk. I like to do those things sometimes, but I really have no interest in that becoming my life....
As far as Cory & some of that crowd are concerned...I don't want to feel like I am in a position to judge their life styles. But it is really confusing to me how these kids from wealthy families who actually have a political clue don't bother to use their priviledges to work on issues that piss them off... They are younger than me, as well. I didn't used to think there was much of a difference between 21 and 24 (I'll be 24 in 3 months), but there really can be. There also is a difference between a person who is still in school and/or supported by their parents or a trust fund and a person who needs to make it on her own and help her immigrant husband make it as well. Ponge is an adult (he's 26) but he is from a very different society than the one we are living in now and he is not capable of being as self-sufficient as I am in this country at this point. It's coming along, but it will probably be years before he is truly adjusted to living here (or at least as close as one can get in his position)."
....yeah... Cory is BoyFace, we've been dating or whatever for like a year now, and this life I once had no interest in pursuing seems to actually be the life I have now. Well, he did get that hotel job (ha).
Last night I sent a letter to the Chiapas guide dood (Chris) letting him know I was interested in going on the trip again and asking if he had any contacts for learning/working opportunities in the area (something along the lines of an unpaid internship).
Re-reading my blog tells me that my recurring instincts are correct, and eventually I start listening to myself. I knew P and I were dead in the water, and eventually we were, as much as that hurt. I know I will leave love (yeah, I love BoyFace) to be productive and happy eventually. That pretty much fucking sucks ass, but when I find direction I have to listen to it. I'll cry a lot, though.
I also know that alcohol is destroying my ability to pursue any direction I might find, hence the hiatus. I am not anti-alcohol per se, I am anti-alcoholic. And I'm losing my will to continue with the hiatus. But really, it's just one more month (excepting the Prohibition party).
Also my roommate Liz is pissing me off. It's just a bunch of little things, but I'm irritated. And B4rron apparently hasn't paid any of his bills - not utilities, and not rent. That. Is. Bullshit.