I have red highlighting crap in my hair that I don't expect to highlight a goddamn thing. It said it worked on even the darkest hair, it may have lied. We'll see. Hm.
Long week to report. Well, I calmed the fuck down from my last report. I think I have to do some research into who is a true ally and who is not, and to have patience with those who are not. If I can't discuss race, if I can't break people down to build them back up again, in my own social circle, how the hell would I expect to be able to do so with strangers? I can deal, it's how it is and I can be an agent of change (and whatnot).
Speaking of social circle, that seems to be the forefront of my priorities lately. Good? Bad? Some of column A, some of column B. I seem to have forgotten what sleep was for. My theory is that once I'm living alone, I won't want to be away from my apartment so fuckin much. Also I will then feel comfortable inviting people over. Specifically, people I want to sleep with that night. I have a lovely sex life going on right now, which I am enjoying quite thoroughly. When you have multiple fuckbuddies (there has *got* to be a less vulgar term for that) in polyamory (don't like that word, either, hm, I'll have to do some vocab inventing here eventually), there is no call for jealousy. It's quite lovely, partners shifting with opportunities and desires.
There are a couple people that I look forward to a lot, and would be sad if they didn't want to engage in such a manner anymore. In fact I find myself scheduling social time around them so that we end up sleeping together that night. Then there are people who surprise me, engagements I didn't expect at all.
Specifically, last Sunday I had a really nice time. The only thing I might regret is that someone I also really enjoy sleeping and cuddling with and touching and bullshitting with was stuck hearing us. I wish this person could have either not had to hear it, or would have been able to join in. As is, I don't know that even if they felt confident they were welcome they were interested in joining. Nonetheless, being in the same room as sex you are not participating in is not fun.
So...then come Wednesday I overslept for work again coz of socializing and sex, and seriously freaked the fuck out. What the hell is wrong with me, thought I? What the fuck am I doing with my life? Work is more important than social connections, Etc., etc. I felt like I needed a psychologist. So I called my mom. I told her in general terms what was up, and stated I was thinking about quitting the 4mericorps job. That I kind of just wanted a 2nd shift job where I made some decent money, just to do nothing for awhile. I don't seem to be handling things very well, etc. etc.
I framed the discussion in terms of my mental/emotional health (maybe I just can't handle a real job right now, I kind of just want some dumb job I don't have to give a fuck about), and in terms of monetary need (i.e. I don't really want to work at the club as much as will be required to once P leaves). Hm. I was trying to avoid saying I frequently feel I'm on the edge of a fucking breakdown, but I think I essentially reflected that. Probably the fact that I called at all indicated there was something seriously wrong.
So...she said I shouldn't worry about how quitting 4mericorps will affect my career, that in the big scheme of things it won't mean shit. In 10 years it will be a tiny blip on my work history. I started to think of all the jobs that have disappeared or been consolidated on my resume since I made my first one at age 16 and realized how right she was. Half the jobs I've had in my life aren't even mentioned on my current overflowing two page resume (half education and work, half volunteer/social activism).
She brought up the fact that I can continue to volunteer with the group I am working for now, and that this will be reflected on my resume, can assuage my guilt/shame at backing out of a commitment I made to myself and others, and can assure me a good reference from the people at The NonProfit.
These are all very good points, I felt the pressure and panic begin to slide off of me a little...
She said, I think you've been kind of spinning your wheels here for awhile
--I know I have, I just am having the worst time figuring out what direction to go, I interrupted--and sometimes a real change of pace is what it takes to figure things out.
God I love my mom. Love you love you love you!!
What is with my newfound dedication to my social life? Am I just finally comfortable around people up here? Is it that I knew my relationship with P was wrong for years and felt socially false, judged, wierd (not in the way I was used to)? Is it just hella pent up sexual desire? Is it escapism? Is it finally, finally feeling like I have a social circle here? Is it exciting new relationships? Is it newfound embracing of life's possibilities? Is it a good thing, or will it fuck me over?
That latter part is the ultimate question. How close do I border to alcoholic? When getting trashed with friends overtakes any concern about getting "ahead" in the world, what does that mean? Is it possible to tease out the social needs from the booze lovin? Which is the more powerful force? Am I wasting my life, my potential (okay probably, but what to do about it when no matter how circular a conversation with myself I have nothing seems to really change my daily habits for the long term?)?
I want change, yes, but I sure as hell don't want to leave. I don't think. I want to be really, really integrated into a community. Really know the ins and outs. Really develop those relationships, social and socially just.
That is the source of true power, knowing your environment, having relationships with the people you want to work with, want to work against. (against?).
So. So. So?
I think about it, but truly I love my NonProfit job, however I fail at going to bed at a decent time. Can I have it all? Can I feel okay about myself making money doing other shit and volunteering at The NonProfit and socializing at hours appropriate to my work schedule? I know I don't want to strip full time, that's intimidating and depressing and how do I explain what I do for a living for the Judgmental among us?
Maybe I should just not give a fuck. Maybe I should explode in a cascade of me and FUCK what that "means" for my "career opportunities." Maybe I need to rock the fuckin NP world and their nonradical sex, sexuality, and sexual power ideas...
?
Can I?
....
to be continued.