I hate everyone. My friends are the whitest people I've ever met in my life. Well, that's probably not true, but I didn't expect this utter bullshit horrification from people who I thought "got it."
I was sitting on the E!!iot House porch tonight, talking with Jason. Somehow we got on the topic of the civil war. He is the biggest whitey douchebag I think I have ever had the misfortune to misconstrue as someone else. We were talking and he mentioned that he thought the south should have remained segregated. WHAT.
I said, and tried to reason (please say something that lets me think I misinterpretted what you just said) with my little newly discovered as ignorant how the hell do you exist in my sphere of people doesn't know he's a nazi acquaintance.
He went on to say a bunch of the most ignorant racist shit I've heard aloud in YEARS and near the end of our "debate" he stated, "I just think that if I was a store owner and I didn't want to hire black people I shouldn't have to."
WHAT THE FUCK
whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhat the FUCK???
I continued to attempt to keep my composure for another 2 minutes of debate after which I just had to leave before I got really angry and verbally abusive and hopefully physically abusive (wait, did I type that outloud?)...
Anyway, eventually I said, "I am going to think of some books for you to read, and I am going to present them to you; because right now I cannot talk to you any longer I am so COMPLETELY a-MAZED at your lack of clarity."
I then went back into the house, in complete shock. I couldn't even function. I just sat on the couch next to Blayne and Jeremy and was like holy shit ho-l-y shit!
I think I did a VERY good job of trying to restrain myself and use the stunning and horrifying occasion as an opportunity for a learning moment. I knew I couldn't not be completely enraged if I didn't stop talking to that person, so I stopped and offered future learning opportunities.
Anyway, Blayne was like, "What's wrong?"
So I said, "Have you ever talked with Jason about slavery and civil rights?"
"No."
"Well, don't."
Then Blayne tried to get me to concentrate on the stupid assed horror flick on the screen to chill me out. I tried to as well. I would have preferred to be able to forget. She went upstairs to piss and I said to Jeremy, "Do you know what Jason just said to me? He said that he thinks if he was a store owner and he didn't want to employ blacks he shouldn't have to!"
Jeremy said nothing. I interpretted this as him being passive in his statements, but thoroughly uncomfortable with the situation.
Unable to cope, I went back outside and smoked a cigarette by myself.
Actually, I was hoping Suzann4 was still outside. Apparently she and Jason have something happening and she is not getting what she wants/needs/deserves out of the situation (I stumbled into some conversation they were having earlier when going out for a cigarette). I was somewhat interested in stating what had just happened in our conversation and seeing how she reacted. I was somewhat interested in being like, dude, he ain't worth the heartache.
Anyway. Finished the cigarette and went back inside to finish the horror flick. Sat down by Jeremy and Blayne.
Then Jeremy left to piss and Blayne was sitting next to me. I couldn't hold it in - I needed an ally. I repeated the same thing.
Blayne looked at me as if she was still waiting for whatever it was that was so bad to come out of my mouth. Her face clearly said, "And?"
I really, really didn't expect that from her.
I said, "Fuck, I just can't believe the level of whitespace in this group."
Jeremy came back. Blayne moved out of the living room. I brewed. Disturbed.
Jason & Blayne chatted quietly in the kitchen. I brewed. The movie ended. Jeremy went to smoke. I went to smoke. I sat there. Brewing. I said, "So am I the only one or is that really fucked up?"
He gave a really noncommittal, "Myeah..."
I said, "That's really passive. What the hell does that mean? Is that fucked up or not to you?"
He said, "Yeah, I guess, a little."
A LITTLE??? I prayed he would leave the porch so I could call V. Goddamn I needed someone to get it. I needed more than blank stares. I needed more than passive whitespace.
I smoked extra slow. He finished his cigarette and started another. I couldn't take it. I got up without a word and went to the kitchen, where Blayne and Jason were still talking quietly. I dumped my beer in the sink. Jason said, "wha...?"
I said, quietly, politely, "I'm leaving. See you guys later." I couldn't look at either of them
I went into the living room to gather my things and Jason said, "What time is your party tomorrow?"
Fuck. I said, "Some time after nine."
Can I disinvite someone for newly discovering their racism? How many people would I disinvite then? Isn't it my responsibility to take this as a learning opportunity and teach what I've learned? Shit. I don't want to. I just want to be around people who make sense. I don't want a stupid party tomorrow. I want you all to go away. I want to be left out of your stupid racist going nowhere worlds. But I'm going to go through with it. I'm disgusted.
I finished gathering my shit. I went out the front door, and said, "Later," to Jeremy, who was still smoking on the front porch.
I really, really wanted to talk to V. I thought maybe, just maybe, of all my friends in town she would get it.
I biked past her house (it's on my way home from the E!!iot House). I slowed. No lights were on in the entire house. I considered calling or knocking anyway. I want to kill. I cried a little, "un-fucking-believable," I said to myself.
I kept going. I biked home, hard, barely caring if I was hit by a car. Kind of hoping I would be. Kind of hoping it would hurt quite badly.
I get home and our front door has been propped open. It's 1:30am. Fuck you. If you live here you have a key. I shut the door on my way in. I hope you are stuck outside all night long, whoever you are. I turn on the computer and urinate. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want death, I want catharsis.
How is it possible there is this much work to do in the world? How is it possible these whitefolks who I thought got it don't get a fucking thing? There is much I don't get, but I am leap years away from their ignorance. It is completely shocking to me. Do I have any allies in this group at all? Would Jason have dared say such a thing in front of a person of color? Do none of them have ever had a person of color in their lives aside from maybe a co-worker or schoolmate they never talked to?
How can Jason say he thinks people are people and then state point blank that he thinks a person should have the right to discriminate based on the construction of race? WHAT THE FUCK??? And this fuckhead is coming to my house tomorrow and I'm ALLOWING this? Has he realized the greatest love of my life is black? Does he think a person should have the right to fuck him over based on that? Do any of them? What the hell is wrong with them??? Why the hell would I EVER want to touch Jeremy again? Why the fuck did I in the first place? Did I really think he had a fucking clue? Who the hell responds to such UTTER BULLSHIT in such a manner??
I HATE YOU FUCKERS GO AWAY>
GODDAMMIT. And I thought I was developing such meaningful friendships, I thought it was worth my time. Fuck you. Fuckyou for being so hurtful. I DON'T get how you DON'T GET IT.
Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare.
SHIT>
What will Amelia say when I tell her the story? Will she break my heart as well? Does Cory think like that? Does Tom? Does Isabelle? This place is awful. Is any place better?
You're all breaking my heart and my cat is staring at me, wondering what the hell is going on. Why I'm crying so. I'm trying to keep quiet so P doesn't hear.
Why is this world SO FUCKING AWFUL?? What is WRONG with people? It's too much, it's too fucking much. Can I please die can I? The entirety of human history is nothing but pain and oppression and ignorance and it really doesn't seem to get any fucking better ever, just more contrived, more deceitful, more covert. I hate it, I can't stand it.
I can't stand it.
And just when I think, maybe I've found some allies, I've found NOThin.g. No one. Nothing and no one. OVer and over, nothing and no one.
I cannot DEAL with this stupid bullshit excuse for life. Where is justice, EVER? Where is equality, EVER? If I believed in God I would pray to It to please kill me now, except then I would feel guilty for copping out, for not struggling.
BUT FOR WHAT?
What's the goddamn POINT? Little improvements aren't EVER going to catch up with the big FUCKOVERS.
When I reach deep down it's just misery. I can distract myself with carnal idiot pleasures, and that is nice, and works for periods of time, but it's not honest. I hate it all. If I was certain to die I might consider suicide. I might not do it, knowing the pain it would cause others. But I might consider it, if I knew it would work. No stupid hospital, no anything. Just death.
Frida said something like, I hope the exit is joyous, and I hope never to return.
I cannot even express the level to which I identify with that statement.