.....+..... ... excuse me, but i just have to explode, explode this body, off me ... .....+.....

.....+..... ... i'll be brand new, brand new tomorrow, a little bit tired, but brand new ... .....+.....

Ever had your heart dragged willingly about for a couple of years and then tricked yourself into thinking you had it all under control and then read something that made you realize how completely full of shit you are in your attempts to live life like a normal person and resist the urge to ball your eyes out but then wonder why you were resisting except that if you let it out it might not stop for a long long time and you didnt feel like doing that for that fucking long ever hate every word you were writing while you wrote it ever want to die for how goddamn STUPID it all is ever wish you just didn't feel anything at all ever wish you were as ignorant as you once were...ever wish.

Ever think you were out of the game once and for all, the i like you do you like me as much as i like you game oh i hope you do game and then get sucked into it thinking you weren't and then you realize you are FUCKED>

i am so goddamned depressed i don't even know what to do with myself. plod plod PLOD. and i ALSO am sick of the same fucking report every time someone asks me how i am...okay okay okay actually not really but i've been SAYING not really for so long that it's not news and not worth sharing so what's NEW with YOU?

love and lust is fucking dumb. a bunch of dumb fucking animals running around pretending it matters that we read books. i want to scream or explode HEY bjork would be GREAT about now or wear dramatic make up and go dancing about and fuck some stranger that i will NEVER SEE AGAIN (but not get diseases or abortions).

the other day i was like a kindergardener, i am mean because i like you. i was horrified at myself but my inside brain wasn't communicating very well with my outside brain. fuck fuck fuck.

ar. i'm sick of socially appropriate everything. got to be funny, got to be smart, got to make your argument well, got to be educated, got to be drunk or got to be sober, got to wear office clothing, got to be sane, got to be able to deal with things, got to be tough. You don't have to be happy but you can't be serious about being miserable, you must joke about it, must be sardonic. Otherwise your communications are a LITTLE too sentimental for people, otherwise you're a drama queen, otherwise you're whining, otherwise just shut the fuck up please oh here s/he goes again.

Instead of screaming or exploding I guess I'll kill a little part of myself with a cigarette.

.....+..... ... you'll be given love, you'll have to trust it ... .....+.....

maybe not from the sources, you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at ... .....+.....

you just ain't receiving ... .....+.....

post-cigarette thought: yesterday I did just fine - comp and reading and art, but today I watched hours of TV before I did anything else. Maybe TV is the source of my compacted processing freak-out. Last night I went to bed in relative peace. Perhaps I need to schedule my freak-outs earlier in the evening and cut out the deathvision.

29.11.05....10:34 pm

this is a space maker

#recommend my diary to a friend.