I'm hot and crabby. Same old fucking issues again and again. TV vs. social life/bars/drinking. About a week ago Ponge told me he feels single, wasn't sure we're right for each other, our marriage isn't what he thought of etc.
Well, just when I had lost my insecurities he comes barreling along with plenty of his own. Which I understand in some senses, but it kind of put a damper on how I was feeling and now I feel insecure again. At the time what I said was that I wasn't ready to give up yet and that we just needed to give our marriage some time to heal-it had been a bumpy year.
And I guess I believe part of that, but right now I'm feeling so fucking aggrevated. I was trying to have a talk with him about how we should do things together beyond watching the everfucking TV. I wanted it to be a sort of I love you I miss you in my life conversation, but it just turned into the same blame game bullshit conversation we always have. He accuses me of choosing my friends over him and I accuse him of choosing TV over me.
When the hell is the last time our lives ever crossed paths when we weren't in our apartment?
Maybe he's right, maybe we are just two single people pretending to be together. Fuck.
I really like not being single in my mind, knowing I don't have to worry about liking anyone or anyone liking me...
Then there are the practical considerations - we are in this lease together for a year, many of our bills are tangled, etc. Maybe we should go see a marriage counselor.
He is driving me nuts right now, too. All day long he was watching TV and yelling things. He looks and sounds like a mindless idiot when he does that - is it normal to wonder if you married a very sweet, very kind, total dumbass?
God, last night when Amelia and I had practice I told him we would be taking over the living room and he couldn't think of anything at all to do besides watch TV. It makes me sick. I suggested he read a book and he responded like it was the stupidest idea he's ever heard of. Can I really spend the rest of my life with a TV loving book hating football fanatic? Jesus fucking Christ.
And I don't like how much TV has taken over my life, and I blame him somewhat.
Am I paranoid or is he making more comments about me eating than he used to? Tonight I made falafel for dinner, and ate a whole pita (I cut the pitas in half cuz they're hollow & I put the stuff inside) and Ponge says - somebody's hungry! To which I replied, yes. I am. It's dinner time, and tried not to glower as much as I wanted to.
Yeah, maybe I have a little belly instead of a two-pack flat belly but it's not like I'm fucking unhealthy or even close to overweight. And it's not like he isn't getting a belly himself. Besides shouldn't people who love each other not make comments like that?
Goddamnit. This blows. In some ways breaking up (breaking up? what planet am I on? I mean getting a fucking divorce) would be a huge relief and in others it would be a huge blow...
What a nightmare, de-tangling our lives, telling everyone what's happened. I'm certain we would remain friends. It's scares the crap out of me to go this direction. I thought we'd make it at least like five years.
Oh, and here's something adding to my stress levels (and more information than you wanted to know, but hey it's my goddamn diary, right?) - I have a fucking cyst on my labia. Right on a spot that my underwear constantly rubs & I have to bike funny. Son. of. a. bitch.
I'll say one thing, if this marriage doesn't work out that's bloody it. I'm not ever getting married again.