I've been feeling like crap a lot lately. Physically and emotionally. Like I wake up at some point in the early afternoon and I think about how I could get up, but can't conceive of any good reason why, so I just sleep until like 5pm. Then I get up and stare at the minimal amount of housework to do, and don't want to do it at all. This is not my anal retentive self...maybe it's a good thing?
My new pole tricks are making my body hurt, but it's like I'm addicted. So I do them anyway. My period is a week late. That doesn't surprise me, since I haven't taken birth control in over a month. It's common to not get yer rag for awhile after you stop taking the pill. The dumb pharmacist gave me the wrong kind and I refused to take it, but still haven't gotten back there to get the right kind. Grocery shopping seems like a major obstacle...maybe it's because I'm sick of being the only one responsible for it.
I told Ponge he had to do it next time, but he doesn't take the initiative. We're out of things and all he ever buys is eggs, bread, and chicken. Maybe if I just make the list I can get him to go, and once he's used to it we can divide it out more evenly. I feel like I do more of the cleaning than him as well. Like he let's things go all fuckin week then cleans on the weekend, but still doesn't do as good a job as me. The only place he does as good a job is in the bathroom.
Oh, and for all you worry worts out there, I took a pregnancy test out of curiosity this morning and it was negative.
I think I'm just tired of feeling like a fucking loser. My shit job and shit social life (getting fucked up with people doesn't count as a social life when it's not balanced by healthy activities).
On good news, it looks like I'll be hooked up with a nonprofit soon. Then I'll be doing something..gasp...constructive. Fuck. I spend like 1-3 days a week in a total depressed funk and the others working or happy.
I know what steps to take to get out of it, I know it has a hell of a lot to do with my work situation. I just lost all motivation to be proactive about taking charge of my life. Maybe I should try to see a career counselor, or a psychotherapist. But looking one up is hard when you sleep til 5pm. I should do more day shifts, that helps with the whole sleep cycle thing.
I'm stressed that we haven't gotten our MN state taxes back yet, makes me really paranoid that their like looking at our finances and are going to audit us. Not like we have anything of value that wasn't a gift...
Post college transition sucks a fat cock. I wonder if grad school really will help? Or if I'll just get more in debt and end up at something that has nothing to do with what I believe in again...
I know I should do the dishes. I don't want to. I know I shouldn't go out and get tanked tonight. I want to. Kind of. Only if I'll run into friends. But it's Tuesday, I know places where people go on Tuesdays.
Also this weather is really fucking my shit up. As a bicyclist, it really dampens (uh, no pun intended) my motivation to go do errands when it's been fucking raining for goddamned ever. I want some SUN. Biking in the rain sucks a dick. And my fav radio station is playing mostly shit today. I need some new music. Bloody shit dammit all!