Arg.
I feel so fucking defeated. We may end up in trouble with next month's rent if I don't get some employment soon. I just spent an hour fucking around with my Americorps profile to see if I wanted to apply for anything, just to get a job. Just to do SOMETHING. Turns out everything I'm really interested in doesn't start until August and isn't currently accepting applications. Everything else requires a car or isn't accepting applications. I found exactly two things I could even apply to (was accepting apps and didn't require a car), and the earliest one starts in the middle of April.
The one I was really excited about isn't taking apps until Sept 2005 & doesn't start until Feb 2006. Bloody shit dammitall. Ponge thinks he can save some money up with his next check. I don't think he understands how much we fork out just in bills alone each month. His income has sustained us so far, but that has been with the help of some savings and with the help of some overtime.
Well, maybe I am just spazzing out though, after all, we could do what we did this pay period - not get the rent in until the 5th. God I'm just so fuckin stressed about money though. It makes wanting to do the simplest thing into this huge decision.
I was thinking about going back into stripping again, just a couple days a week so it didn't take over my whole life. But it just seems so defeatest. And I do think that aside from getting out of shape & being broke (and therefore stressed), it has been really healthy & a good decision. But, a couple hundred bucks a week could really help things. I wish Ponge's last W-2 would get here so we can do our taxes. Considering how little we collectively made this year, hopefully we will get a good return. Filin' jointly, baby.
I can't imagine people whose lives are like this ALL the time, always scrounging and stressing about the bills. Wanting reasonable things to want and having to not get them because it means you aren't going to pay your bills. I should really quit smoking. If I'm not drinking, I smoke like 5 cigarettes a day. But if I am, which is usually at least once a week, I smoke about a pack. Anyway, I figure I buy about 3 to 5 packs a week. That's $12 to $20 per week that I could save. Drinking can get expensive, too. Even if I am sharing pitchers at a bar that's at least $10-$20 every time I go to a bar. Yet there is a catch-22 because one of my stress relievers is to go out with friends to a bar.
I don't get wasted every time, but getting a buzz on with friends (actual friends & acquaintances, not random fucks that I meet) is something that helps get some energy out for me. I like it, dammit.
...
Crap. What do I do? Pray? Should I start praying in case that does something? All I can really do is plug away at the job game. And I can decide to strip a little (part time) for some cash meanwhile. My back is feeling better. Or I can just sit on it. I mean, if it comes to the end of the month and we really don't have the money I could strip a couple days and we'd be set. I just hate planning our budget with Ponge's money.
Okay. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to plan our budget for February keeping in mind that we can pay our rent on the 5th again. That way I won't go fucking nuts with stress. That way we can go grocery shopping and out to eat once in awhile (some place cheap) and whatever without hassle. We are going to make it through February.
I will leave March the hell alone. Maybe by then I will have a job. Stripping isn't going anywhere - if I have to do that at the end of March to make ends meet then so be it. It's not like the clubs in town are getting shut down & I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter when the hell I go back to City Club, they will still hire me back on. In fact, I saw in the paper that they were hiring still. Same damn ad that got me in there in the first place.
So. Chillin chillin chill the fuck out. Still got 14 resumes out there. Can keep hauntin mncn.org to see what's new.
If we get desperate I can go back, in March. We're fine for February...
And, I am going to get my act together and find some place to volunteer with. I just have to tell them that I am seeking full time employment and that I need something flexible for when I become employed. Previously, I didn't want to end up ditching out on some place once I got my job...but I think there are plenty of places that would be willing to work with me on the issue.