Being broke sucks a dick. I guess I could go strip at any time, and I wouldn't be broke anymore. Got my second rejection letter today. Sigh...
Last night my bike lock key broke. The tab part you hang onto snapped off of the circular part you open the lock with. So now I am carring around this tiny little pain in the ass tube of metal to open my bike lock, my only form of transportation. So I need to now get the key remade or else just buy a new lock. Either option pretty much spends all the money I have (exactly $25 in cash, plus $20 in emergency money that I really wish I wouldn't have remembered I own). If we pay the rent on time we will have about $50 in Ponge's account to last us until the 3rd, about a week from now.
If we pay on the 4th or 5th, we'll be fine. I hate the idea of paying that late. I have never paid a bill late in my life. Technically it's within our lease to pay by the 5th & we've paid on time or early so many other times that I don't think our landlord will even notice. Technically I am also a couple months ahead of what I owe to Great Lakes for my student loan, since I was paying them nearly triple what my minimum payments are for a couple of months there. That is a depressing amount, I have paid in nearly a thousand dollars and the principle balance is barely dented due to interest. And my interest rate isn't even that bad (3.25%).
We should really just cancel the fucking cable. Not the internet, good lord no, but that's only $30 for some 2.8 megabits per second. The other $85 or whatever is for movie channels we hardly ever watch and on demand which I watch all the time, but I could live without it.
Maybe I'm just freakin because I want to dye my hair really badly & I can't afford it right this second, and I want to do it right this second. This is the first time in like a year that I have seriously wanted to fuck with my hair. I guess I'm getting bored, and I know damn well I have too much time on my hands.
Well, I just have to survive tomorrow (more laundry anyone??) and then I have things going on for Thursday so that should be more sane.
Today Ponge was in a bad mood when he came home. He said he was just really tired, said nothing and went to bed early. Hopefully he'll be feeling better tomorrow. He asked me a couple days ago (we had a really great weekend) if I would rather be with a man or a woman. I had to say, which is true to the best of my knowledge, that it depended on if we were discussing lust or love.
With lust, that initial sexualized reaction to someone, I definitly lean towards women. With love, it has a hell of a lot more to do with who a person is - their qualities, thoughts, life experiences, etc. - than what they look like & feel like on the outside. In other words, in love I have no preference. Who I love is Ponge, who I want to be building my life with is Ponge, who I want to be in a relationship with is Ponge.
This does not mean that I don't lust after other people in my mind, or that I don't ever wonder about the future. Sometimes I think Ponge and I will be together forever--or at least long enough to have some kids, and sometimes I think we'll probably be aimicably done in a year or two. We are the type of people that I think will always have a special bond, a friendship, a type of love, even if we weren't together any longer. I can't really imagine not being with him, though. I think if something happened where we weren't together I wouldn't really be with anyone for a long time, at least not in any kind of serious way.
Ponge worries about standing in my way, he doesn't want me to look back and think - hey that asshole, I could have been doing this or that and instead I formed my life around him. I think he is overly concerned and at the same time I think he is right - there are things that I think about doing which I don't do because we are monogamous. One of them is cuddling with friends. I was honest with Ponge and told him that the only thing I really miss from my open relationship situation, when I had permission to fuck or fondle anyone I pleased, was cuddling with people. You know, while watching a movie or spending the night after a party or whatever.
He was worried that if I did that it would lead to other things. I said I was talking about with all our clothes on, no fondling or kissing, just snuggling. I said that even when I had an open relationship, permission to do whatever I wanted, I didn't go around making out with people. I did have a one night stand with this other couple once, but that was a rare occasion and definitly did not start out with any kind of illusions that we were doing something other than sex. All I really did, one night stand aside, was snuggle with people. I'm talking about the kind of snuggling you did with your sibling or your mom when you were a kid, not sexual. Comforting, nastolgic. Cozy. Nice.
Basically we disected it, and he gave me permission to snuggle. I told him that he in return (aside from obviously also having permission to snuggle) had permission at any point to decide he didn't like it, was too uncomfortable, whatev. He has permission to change his mind about it, in other words.
Shit, I might even change my mind about it. It doesn't even come up very often, but I like the idea of being able to do it without worrying about how Ponge would interpret it. Seeing as I did cheat on him with Jess, but that again did not at all start out with snuggling. I haven't seen her since then, actually. I have just been too uncomfortable with what Ponge would think - I don't want to give him any reason to wonder if we are having an affair, to hurt him any further. I did talk to her on the phone a couple times, and probably eventually like in a couple months we could try to be friends again.