I woke from my endless series of nightmares this morning, alone, overheated. I wandered, naked, into our living room to see that Carrie had indeed left without saying goodbye. I started crying. Then bawling. I tried to think why. Well, I've spent the past week in Madison. My mom came up for Christmas & Carrie (my brother's baby-mama) came up for a couple of too short days after New Year's. So I hitched a ride down with mom & back up with Carrie.
I'm lonely in this city, so fucking lonely.
Carrie is family, I practically lived at their apartment while I was down there.
I got The Letter for one of the part time jobs I interviewed for. The Letter. Thanks for playing, but why don't you go waste your talents and atrophy your mind as a stripper for another month or year or lifetime? How about that? Now I'm pretty much just waiting for the Other Letter. Then I can know that I'm fucked.
Or not, actually. Because if I don't get employment I will strip, and when I am stripping I don't get it on with my husband very often.
In fact, yesterday we went to the Mall of America because Carrie had never been there. I also needed some professional looking clothing, because I'm going to get some job in a professional/business casual non-profit..ha. It's no time to be an idealist. It's never time to be an idealist. I guess that's why I've said fuckit to so many..
So I got dress shoes, three tops, and three slacks/pants for about $125. That's not terrible, but it's also basically every penny I have.
So other Carrie/Krystal/Bobi from my work calls me while I'm at the mall spending all my money on work clothes for a job I don't have & says she is going down to Austin Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Stupid me, thinking of money, agreed to go down there.
I don't want to AT ALL go down there. Get naked for men who shit their pants when they find out you know how to read. Shave again. I worked so hard to grow out my pussy hair - that mess ITCHES as it grows out. Now I will shave it again. Now I will go back, disappointing myself. I wanted to be DONE. Can't I please just be DONE?
Well, that would have meant I decided NOT to go down to Madison with my mom & see my family/friends there & then Carrie wouldn't have come up here & I just wanted all that too much.
Only now I have a reference point for which to realize that my life here leaves some things to be desired - like really close friends. Like people I don't feel at least slightly socially awkward around. Like my family.
If I wasn't in such a stupid financial situation & was maybe a little more emotionally set we could start our own family, but that isn't going to happen for a couple years, barring an accident.
Well. I just decided to call in for today. It's just too fucking depressing to come back here; one of my best friends in the world decides not to bug me while I'm sleeping & so I don't even get a hug goodbye, and haven't spent any time alone with Ponge yet (went to bed together & stuff but haven't hung out alone & fully awake yet), feeling lonely as hell, depressed I didn't get one of the jobs and expecting not to get the other; and go back to stripping right the fuck away. That's just too much.
Maybe I should paint or read or find someone to hang with this afternoon. I could always waste away time with cable...but I think we might not have that much longer if I can't get a fuckin' JOB.
Maybe I should go get a newspaper & make some phone calls.