So he knows. He was messing around on the comp and found my diary, and read about Jessica.
You know, my previous self would have declared it to him right away. My previous self would have said that I should be fiercely honest in my endeavors and especially in my relationships and if that meant trouble, so be it. One should not live a lie. My previous self was fuckin-A right.
Somehow I've gotten so fucking caught up in exploring other and world perspectives that I've lost my own. I wanted to understand that which was not myself, so as to not hate so many people, so as to get off my radical pedastle. Well...now I'm down in it, to quote good ol' trent.
So anyway, Ponge found the site. Part of me thinks I really wanted him to, or else I wouldn't have put it out there in a public venue. We talked and whatnot, and basically he came to the same conclusion I have been lately, which is that I need to take a fucking step back, I'm getting way out of control. Well, Part One of that is that I had already decided to quit my job at MplsClub and Smalltown Club. I finished out my week at MplsClub & told my manager that I was taking a break, and cleaned out my locker. I wanted to leave in such a way that if I needed the finances desperately (which is what was the final push for me to try this job in the first place) I could come in for a day or three and get a couple hundred dollars.
I am scheduled at SmalltownClub for this Tuesday and Wednesday, and I am going to follow through on that but then tell them the same thing - I will be gone for the holiday season and will be in contact with them after that.
...
I don't really know what this means for our relationship. I mean, if I were him I wouldn't really trust me for a long time. I suppose that's okay, because I feel like I want to be in situations now where he knows he can trust me, like hanging out with pregnant J&M or with V&Iz, who are better friends and better influences on me anyway. Looking on it, I was always playing Jess's counselor, and I could be honest with her about my troubles as well but our solution was never any solution or wisdom at all. It was, hey that sucks well let's go drink. Which honestly I don't think there is anything that wrong with being somewhat of a lush at my age and for fucks sake I grew up in Wisconsin & am German/Irish, but I think there is a point when behavior in general is evasive & self-destructive and it's worse when it involves alcohol.
I'm not at all resolving to not drink. What I am resolving to do is to face my issues head on & change my life such that it is constructive, learning, fulfills my passions, is fiercely honest, and is respectful of my marriage because honestly if I lost Ponge I would fucking freak out and be so, so miserable for a long, long time.
Ponge and I already brought up a bunch of shit last night that we had never really talked about - our fears and such about our relationship. Our guilt about various ways our relationship affects the other person. Like he felt like he put me in a really difficult position when he asked me to marry him & that it fucked up everything I had planned in my life.
Well, I told him, it's true that it was a difficult position to be in and it's true that I gave up about 90% of my post-Senegal plans for the first year he was in the States. But I don't regret that. I was scared about him coming over and scared I'd made a horrible mistake, but I don't think I did. So my life is very different from what I had envisioned; some of it is very different in a really positive way. That which is very different in a negative way is stuff that I can work on and can take responsibility for. I've never met anyone like Ponge, someone who honestly I feel I look up to and is one of the most emotionally mature and respectful and caring people I've ever met. Someone who I frequently feel is a better person than me (though I try not to indulge in that thought, because I think it's unhealthy), whose values I respect and who inspires me to work on my weaknesses.
Some of the ways my life is very different than I had planned in my heart and mind are things that I get confused about, but I am starting to feel more clear on. It's just taking me some time to adjust to the changes (like open-relationship philosophy to being in a closedclosed relationship), but there is no reason for him to feel guilty about changing my life in that way. I was involved in the decision, it wasn't forced upon me. When I decided yes it was for many reasons, but part of it was that I knew I'd never regret it if I said yes whereas if I'd said no I'd always wonder.
So...I'm going to get some work I care about, some work that's got me on a better, daytime schedule. Or maybe occasional nights & weekends if it's occasionally necessary, but not nights & weekends like I've been working. We're talking nights that end at like 10pm and aren't the norm.
That alone will reduce the amount of time I spend with nothing constructive going on.
I'm also going to be fiercely honest from now on, with everyone. No wonder I feel my relationships with my friends up here are all fucked up, I don't think I've really been being myself. I think I've been drinking & being my drunk self and then feeling kind of stupid about that drunk self. I've been scared to open my mouth, scared of being judged, scared of being rejected. As such, I've not really made much headway in having real relationships with people up here. Well, I might make some enemies or at least avoidances along the way, but so the fuck what?