god what a night.
Another four years of that fuck.
And Iz spazzed out on me and Don tonight. In some sense, her frustration was justified. Then again, she very much overreacted.
At first, I felt really bad. Now I'm just angry. I tried, hard, to apologize. She walked away from all of it.
If a person first overreacts and second doesnt listen at all when I try to apologize for something that, really, wasn't that big of a deal...well fuck them. I like (liked?) Iz a lot, but I don't need to deal with any fuckin drama in my life. If you like me, great. If you don't, too bad. Liking me includes accepting me as a human being that might make mistakes at times. Liking me includes realizing that sometimes I have to apologize. Liking me means accepting that apology when the mistake wasn't even that big. Liking me means not blaming me for the fact that people did much worse things to fuck up your living situation and you never fucking dealt with it.
Basically Don and I knocked on the neighbors' door to hang out since they were obviously partying and everyone at Iz and V's had gone to sleep. Iz woke up and said that she was concerned that the downstairs care taker would wake up and be mad that they were making noise. So Don and I made a note to slip under the door of the neighbor. Then she woke up again because the fucking cat was meowing at the door. Then she totally fucking spazed.
"Do you realize that we have to live here?! Etc., etc."
I tried to apologize, I tried to say that there is no way in hell the care taker would know we even came from her apartment and in any case we weren't making any noise (unlike the loud mutherfuckers next door) and that I didn't realize her relationship with her landlord and neighbors was so tenuous and etc. And miss fuckin queen of drunk ought to comprehend that drunk people don't always have the best in judgement.
It's true, knocking on her neighbors's door probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world. But her treating us like total shit, like we weren't even friends, like we were just some random fucks at her house, was bullshit. If she was doing that at my place, I would have been a thousand times more understanding. I am so FUCKING sick of being more understanding. I am so fucking tired of "friends" treating me like shit and me somehow forgiving them. Me U N D E R S T A N D I N G.
FUCK THAT.
I would rather have no friends at all than people who make me doubt my worth.
Thank god I work tomorrow. Thanks that I have a legit excuse not to go to Stitch N bitch. I don't really think I will feel comfortable at their place again. Which is too bad, because V lives there and a lot of socializing goes on there. But it's not even real socializing anyway. V is the only person that ever calls me, or I them. Cory and Jeremy and such, they are friends. But not real ones. The last "real" friends I had in Mpls were not-pregnant Josh and Mary. Who broke up, by the way. And each of them called me. Then I made plans with Mary and she ditched me. What a fucking surprise there. She didn't even fucking call. How hard is is to pick up a phone to deal with the plans you made? Fuck those two. Really. I called Josh the other night. He hasn't called me back.
Why do I put up with their bullshit?
They didn't contact me one goddamn time in Senegal. Despite repeated contact from me to them.
Why did I forgive that?
Or have I/
God I feel so stuck.
So depressed. So shitty. So friendless.
How can I tell them they haven't made it up. They don't know how, they are too self-absolved.
How can I stay away from Iz & V's house in protest if they aren't expecting me tomorrow anyway because I have to work. How can I call V without talking to Iz.
How can I continue being pissed at Iz. How can I get her to talk to me without succumbing to apologies without expecting them in return. I always forgive. Understand. I'm tired of people that don't give me the attention I give them. I'm tired of drunk being the thing I have in common. I'm tired of being judged by EVERYONE for what I do for work.
Love me or leave me, muther fuckers.
Leave me sooner rather than later, and vocally rather than neglectfully.
I am so bitter.
I am so sad.
I am in mourning.
I want to leave Mpls. I want to start out fresh.