I'm sick of being a dancer. I'm sick of the hours, I'm sick of talking to idiots all night, I'm sick of having the same goddamn conversation with every stupid pisshole, I'm sick of spending tons of money on clothes and make-up and other gear. I have to say it has made me buy some shit I never would have bought otherwise, and I like the exploration of sex that I've done in my personal life as a result. Tonight I dressed as a dominatrix for halloween at the club and all I got from it was 7 dances. Last Saturday I think I had about 22 when I left. It was really fun playing with my riding crop and I'm glad I bought it, but jesus h.
I want to get off of work at 6pm. Time to go grocery shopping, time to make dinner, time for whatever. I don't like my job hanging over me all day. I don't like sleeping til 6pm. It's ridiculous. I'm sick of shaving my shit all the time and for fuck's sake today I put on fake nails. Fake nails. For my outfit and to add that extra little element of sexy. I don't like how this job takes over my whole fucking life. I can't do anything but work and party with this job. I do like how I feel like I can eat anything I want because I work it all off and keep toned at the club.
I'm sick of worrying about how to document my earnings.
Well, one good thing happened today: I finally got off my ass and bought birth control. I got a pregnancy test just to be sure.
My period is like 5 days late if I was still on the pill. But having gone off it, the last one was late too. And I probably am getting cysts again since my hormones aren't being regulated. Anyway the test was negative. So tomorrow I start on the pill again.
I am printing out 13 pages of jobs I probably won't get the energy together to apply for. It just seems so self-defeating. Like I'm stuck at the club for now anyway, so why waste the fucking effort?
Well, at least tomorrow night I'll have the house to myself. There is another football game tomorrow, so we open at 3pm. (Usually on Sunday's we open at 6pm) I told BossMan that I could come in at 3pm if I could leave by 11pm. I am in no mood to do another 12 hour shift. Ponge's temp job wants him tomorrow from like 11pm til 8am. So I can have the house all to myself. I kind of wanted to go out for Halloween, but right now just being totally alone sounds so refreshing. I love the boy dearly, but dammed if this last week I haven't been so irritated with him. Sometimes being with him is like being with a 5 year old. He asks questions without bothering to think about what the answer might be, as if I know every goddamned thing on earth. Like he asked me what I think about him working in the suburbs. We already had that conversation. In depth. It's up to him, here are the potential risks and potential things you might have to deal with. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it to you or not.
I know some of it is unfamiliarity with my culture still. But some of the questions he asks are just like, damn, think before you speak. A lot of my grumpiness is just hormonal, too. Which neither one of us can really fix, other than to get the fuck away from each other once in awhile.
Goddamn do I want to quit my job. It's just that we need the money. Pleasepleaseplease let Ponge find some work soon.
Maybe I should get a cat. I love cats. Maybe some furry purry love will lighten up my actually just fine so I'd better stop fuckin whining before something terrible actually does happen life.