For the past two days my breasts have been really tender and feel harder. I also am peeing a lot.
So these are symptoms of pregnancy. Maybe.
Ponge and I had mad sex on Monday, he came while I was on top of him and I kept going for a bit so when I pulled out the condom wasn't secure any longer due to the slippery insides. In other words, it is totally possible that he left some come in me. I was also mad horny, which was great because I was beginning to fear our sexual relationship was in some serious trouble. But another reason women get mad horny not long after their period is because they're ovulating - that is, their body is in the best position to be empregnated. We ran out of birth control (the pill) just after my last period (two weeks ago). It hadn't mattered really since we weren't having sex, so I didn't really make the effort I should have to get to Planned Parenthood.
Yet, the fact that I just went off of birth control after having been on it for a year or so could explain why my breasts are tender--my own hormones are starting to re-establish their natural levels. And the fact that I'm peeing a lot could be a bladder infection, which would be easy to get with all of the dick-riding I do.
So. Monday had possibly baby-making sex, which a huge part of which I had because I got completely turned on thinking about us having a baby. Monday night I dreamt that I found out I was pregnant and Ponge wasn't around for some reason so I was trying to decide whether or not to tell him and keep it or not tell him and get an abortion, worrying about how I was supposed to dance if I was pregnant. Tuesday I went home with two of the other workers (one waitress and one stripper) and did about 4 lines of weak coke & drank a martini and hung out until about 7am. Wednesday my nipples started beeing really fucking sensitive & hard but I thought maybe I was just playing with them too much at work (I masturbate all the time at work - pinch my nipples, slap my ass, caress my breasts - its part of my hustle). I went to Iz and V's for Stitch and Bitch & learned how to knit. When Iz came home she asked me - so when are you and Ponge going to start popping out babies? I shit my pants. Last night (meaning Thursday night) I drank a bottle of wine (minus the occasional sharing), a few beers, and some irish cream liqueur in chocolate milk. And I chain-smoked like a mother fucker. This afternoon when I woke up my whole tits were sore (I mean all the way up to my armpits) and my nipples hard and my breasts hard. They still are now. I felt like crap all day but that's because I stayed up until 2pm today, slept until 7pm, then went to work and barely made any money (like $140 - not much for a Friday) because I felt like crap. Why can't I remember not to get drunk on days before I work? I know I can't work when hungover.
Anyway, so if I am pregnant that means the baby has been exposed to certain toxins. I didn't really do much coke and although I was drunk I didn't get wasted per se. I definitly smoked a lot of cigarettes. So...I should get checked. I don't want to do a home pregnancy test because I was reading about their percentages of false negatives & I want an answer I can trust. I wonder if Planned Parenthood is open tomorrow? If I am pregnant I can talk to them about how much harm I might have done and what I need to do now. Like get some health insurance. If I am not I should get checked for a bladder infection and get more birth control.
As far as keeping the baby...every other pregnancy scare I've had in my life I would have gotten an abortion. This time I would not. I'm 23, which is young but not that young; I'm with someone I feel would be a great father (part of the reason I married him). I also wouldn't be alone, since Mary2 is pregnant. Thinking about it is scary and exciting at the same time. God part of me is like oh fuck what the hell would I do and part of me really hopes that I am pregnant. Right now the really excited part of my reaction is talking the loudest. My mom would be really happy.
If I am pregnant, I really can't help but think like it was meant to be. I mean, the whole way I got turned on and the dream and Iz's question and whatever else. If I am not, I think this is something that I should remember about when I am trying to decide if I am done stripping or not. The more quickly I get a job that is more along the lines of what I could consider a career the more quickly I will be able to really get prepared to have a family. I would like to buy a house I think, sometime soon. From what I can tell, a mortgage isn't that much more expensive...
Damn. I ought to go to bed so I can get off my ass and get tested tomorrow.