This is what I wrote the other night on paper when I was intoxicated and feeling funny about the fact that BoyFace was spending my only day off to go on an exclusive d4ndi penis male bonding shopping j4panese gard3n thing with two of our friends. Exclusive as in specifically not invited to be there. Lame as in I had looked forward all week to spending the night with him on Saturday and hanging out or whatever all day Sunday since I worked bloody 65 hours last week (between the nonprofit and the club) and ran a show and went to yoga. But instead he went home to sleep and I fed my friend's cat and had bad dreams and felt depressed all day Sunday. Maybe I was over reacting. Then I saw him Sunday evening at the local bar and he didn't want to spend the night then, either. (SIGH). I'm feeling hurt and pissed, actually. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to hang with certain people and not others at times nor is there anything wrong with wanting to go home and do home stuff, but our time is suddenly limited as fuck so to me it feels really significant to be blown off (?? probably not the right phrase there, much less dramatic than that) during my tiny bit of time I had planned out to hang with him.

Anyway, this is what I wrote Saturday night:

"This is it...the other section of bliss, independence. Transgression? I miss 4pril. Glorious joy is sure to be balance by misplacement, uncertainty. Of course, if I seem (am) unavailable, it is positive that others should find their own. Still, it takes adjustment. Which may hurt. Does hurt. Ouch. I want to weep. But is there a point, a loss, or just alcohol fatigue induced growing pains? I sense the need to leave it all alone for tonight but I regret and am uncertain of the validity of feeling *unwelcome* Am I? S. H. I. T.

This is when I get all like, well fuck that I'm not going to call him at all and see how long it takes him before he contacts me. Usually he does contact me right when I'm at the point where if he waits any longer I'm actually going to be upset instead of just surface upset.

And he did come over twice last week with breakfast - the first time to cook me an omelet. Which I had to reject coz I didn't have enough time and had to get to work...So, probably, I'm over reacting. I guess I'm afraid that with my new restricted schedule he's going to have a backlash reaction and try and assert his independence from me by not hanging out with me when I really want to see him, like making himself unavailable as well so we're on some kind of even ground. Fuck.

I need to brush my teeth and pet my cat and go to sleep.

03.07.07....12:15 am

this is a space maker

#recommend my diary to a friend.