Fuck. I feel trapped as fuck. I hate my job. I'm sick of dealing with it to the point where I basically get drunk every time I work just to feel like I can function there. I need about $1000 over the next couple of days, but on top of being sick of my job the money has been bad in there lately.
I'm sick of dealing with Dan getting pissed about every sound he hears at night. Last night all the fuck we (Tom, Betsy and I) were doing is watching a goddamn movie in my fucking room and he was still all yelly and shit.
I look at other jobs and feel like I'm just slightly unqualified for anything I'm smart enough to enjoy doing. Like there is this program coordinator position I'm interested in, but probably don't have enough knowledge about graphics design or bookkeeping to do. But I could learn that shit on the job, I learn quickly. But there are probably a dozen other candidates that already know that shit. Fuck.
Although at this point I guess I don't care what it is as long as it pays well and it's consistent and I don't totally hate it more than I totally hate the club. I think I would enjoy the club again if it wasn't my only source of income; if I could go in like twice a week and that would be the only amount I needed to go in in order to keep on top of my bills. I feel really overwhelmed with the art space, it costs SO MUCH to keep it.
Fuck.
I need someone to just give me $1000. It's not that much money to some people - like if you make $300,000 a year it really isn't much of an expense. We get some really wealthy people in the club all the damn time but they never spend that much on me; some might spend a couple hundred, but I have to give 33 percent of that to the club. Then I have to tip out the manager, DJ, etc., etc. I really want to take a vacation or something. My two credit cards are almost maxed out, obviously I shouldn't get another one if I can't be responsible with the current ones.
I want to fall apart and cry and shit. Like totally lose my shit and just expunge the poisons for a week. But no, I am just semi-falling apart by drinking and smoking too much. I take mini-vacations by not going to work when I need to; but it is a guilty and stress ridden "vacation."
I slept all day long today, like 14 hours and when I woke I was like shit, is it really 8pm??? Is there something wrong with me that I can sleep that long and deeply and dream a ton instead of participating in real life? I really want to talk to my mom, but she isn't at home tonight and I have to wait until tomorrow to do it.
Maybe I should just go to school and get my law degree. At least then I would have some sort of reliable background to make the money I need even if it took awhile to get a position I liked. I kind of feel like if I go back to school I have to have job security as a result of all the investments. I wonder what sort of job security S1T can offer?
Maybe I should just get some dumb corporate job for awhile, to get on top of my finances and even have some savings. Gain some legitimate job experience or whatever. I need to update my resume and get a newspaper and such.