I am officially a ho. Should I be writing about this? Is Big Brother listening? Does it fucking matter? Sometimes I think going down in flames would be far preferable to this foot-in foot-out of progression I dance with. Like, just stop paying all my bills. What the fuck are they going to do? I don't have any assets. Do I really give a shit about my credit history? Do I really think I'm going to purchase a fucking house or a nice car or any of that shit at any point? Shouldn't I just hop a plane to where my finger points and die of yellow fever somewhere? Ah....
This all sounds very angsty, but it's not. All I've felt lately is this sensation of waiting or something. All I've felt is a sort of curiosity that I'm not feeling more. A lot of shit that used to feel important suddenly doesn't. I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but I keep plodding along. I think my constant chest colds are connected with it all somehow. Lougies have become part of my morning routine. Deep chest gurgles hacked out in glorious salty green globs on top of whatever crap is in the trash can by my bedside at the moment. Coughing during sex spits out my partner's cock, or queef bubbles. It's sort of funny, smirks and light chuckles ensue.
Anyway. So I met with a man in a hotel yesterday, paid. Showered, fucked, massaged. It was fucking awesome. I wondered how I'd feel after my first time, thought perhaps I'd feel ashamed or dirty or depressed. I felt thrilled, joyous, I loved it. It of course had a lot to do with who the man was, a gentle appreciative intelligent well-traveled man celebrating his 60th birthday. I was able to be almost totally myself with him, conversing naturally and honestly. We had good conversation. The sex was very short, but surprisingly enjoyable. He had a nice cock, and a kind old face. He comes into town every month or two, and we are planning a second rendezvous.
I also met a second person whom I think is a good candidate for this sort of thing. He comes into town every week or two. We took a rain check, we'll see what happens. Selectivity, intuition, these are my tools.
Yes.