Okay. So I'm not dead or raped or anything and apologies for the completely fucking cryptic entry yestereve. I think this entry is the entry I intended to post, but I put on some Cohen and laid down and slept on the couch instead.
In general I've been doing a fucking terrible job of posting on D7and coz I've been posting all the inane day to day shit on MySp@c3 instead. Then I cross post here and there from time to time, with a few adjustments made to protect my not being stalked by crazy people.
So. I did a no drinking fast for a month, and it was successful. I didn't drink for four weeks and it wasn't terribly hard. There were a few nights when I really wanted to drink, but most of the drinking everyone did around me wasn't that tempting. Then the fast ended on it's planned date.
I was not very boozy for a couple of days, and not really interested in being boozy, and then last week I basically went on a 5 day bender. Yet, it didn't seem to have any consequences. I mean, I make my own schedule at work and I had my bills covered so there didn't seem to be any repercussions (other than my health and well-being, but I'm sort of tenuous about that in general anyway so...).
Except that I didn't work for over a week and was spending money on booze, cigarettes, and food. So I went from being pretty on-track with my financial needs for the Chi@pas trip to being glad certain checks hadn't cleared yet.
Which is dumb. Really, really dumb. I probably have about $700 less than I would have if I hadn't done that (no work and spending money).
Anyway. So yesterday I went back to work at Yea Ol Club for the day shift and didn't make shit for money. It was a bad day. Those happen. The thing about this job is that, over time, you can make a lot. But there are no guarantees for any one shift.
I was debating working a double, and I knew I'd make at least some money coz a semi-regular of mine was coming in that night for his birthday and I was about 90% certain I'd make a bed dance off of him, or at least a few couches.
Some friends of mine were maybe going to go see this movie, though, and I wanted to see it, too but I was debating. So I decided to go to this bar I go to downtown and have a couple drinks and then either go to the film or go back to work.
I did that, but instead of the movie I ended up going dancing at a club with Lizzy. Lizzy is a friend of mine that I used to fuck around with but then she had a girlfriend for a bit so I didn't and now she doesn't and I want to sommore.
But at the club instead of flirting with her I ended up trading back massages with this cute black girl who looks like who0pi g0ldberg would if she shaved her head. Then we danced some and then I ended up dancing with all these other cute black girls and it turns out they are all friends.
After bar close there was this fight between two dudes that I got immediately in the middle of. As in, I held the more aggressive one back and then the bouncer held him and I went and held the other back and then some other people were holding him and I stepped out coz it was handled.
I know this is not safe or smart behavior, but I can't help it. I don't think when I see a fight, I just act. And besides, usually the people are so interested in beating each other up that they aren't thinking about beating you up as well. Also the fact that I am a small female I think wins me crowd points and if I started getting my ass kicked people would step in...but anyway...
So then Lizzy and her friends invited me to go hang out in a park but I was having a people adventure. I like to meet new people and I liked these folks and I wanted to make out with Cute Girl No. 2, and I think she did me. So I let Lizzy leave and was stuck trying to figure out what the hell was happening with New Crew.
New Crew mostly split up but Cute Girl No. 2 and Some Dude That Was Their Friend and I went to CG2's house to get some booze, then to SDTWTF's house. Except CN2 passed out while I was helping SDTWTF fix his computer. Then SDTWTF started hitting on me really hardcore and I felt really uncomfortable and called a cab to my apartment. I was way the fuck in St. Paul and it was going to cost me a shit-ton but I didn't care, I just wanted to leave.
In the cab I called Jeremiah to find out if he was still awake coz I didn't really want to be alone but he was going to bed. Then I decided to call him back and ask if he would like some company in his bed (we've messed about before and talked about wanting to cuddle together and such again but he is BoyFace's roommie so it's a little odd).
But he didn't answer his phone the second time, probably annoyed with me. Anyway. So then I came home and thought really hard about calling BoyFace at work to see if he wanted to come over aferwards. But then instead I just wrote cryptic messages and did some art and passed out on the couch.
So. Let's review. I was going to hang out with BoyFace and end up spending the night with him (wait, I didn't say that part yet - that was my original plan for the evening), but he had to work. He pretty much never works Wednesday evenings, but they just fired someone or other at his job so he had to work. So then I was going to hang out with Lizzy and end up spending the night with her. Then I was going hang out with CG2 and end up spending the night with her.
What happened? Some Dood creeped me the fuck out and I had to leave coz I was concerned about his intentions and my physical safety and I slept, alone and freaked out, on my couch.
And why did I make all these terribly great decisions? Booze. I mean, I'm people adventuresome, this is true. I like to meet new interesting people and get a window into their lives and explore potential relationship/friendships with them. But if I wasn't drinking I may or may not still have gone to the club (probably not coz I was tired and booze is a magic wake me up); but I would definitly have hung out with Lizzy and her friends instead of New Crew. New Crew I would have just assumed I'd see at the club some other time since some of them work there.
In all reality what I should have done is just go back to work. Especially considering the potential of the semi-regular becoming a regular-regular since he stated that the double (two girls) I did for him earlier that day was the best he'd ever had and that he definitly was going to get more. I not only had no business accepting a low financial gain for the day and fucking up future finances, but I had even less business spending ALL OF IT on booze and cabfare.
So, then, what's the solution? Another booze fast? Quitting drinking altogether? I don't really want to do the latter, it's like admitting defeat. What I want to do is get a handle on responsible drinking. I used to do that, like, in college.
Shit, even in high school I don't think I ever skipped an entire week to hang out and do drugs. Maybe most of a week here and there...but high school matters less than a job. I could still bullshit my way though a test even if I'd missed class. I can't bullshit my way through bills. And the devestation I'm going to feel when I don't go to Chi@pas because I can't afford it because I was drinking with friends instead isn't going to do me well.
Maybe I'm just really fucking immature. Maybe hearing "oh you're so mature for your age" my entire life went to my head and I decided to stop. And why the fuck would I not go to work for a whole week when it seriously jeopardizes something I've been thinking about and planning on and talking about for weeks? Is my subconscious plotting my own destruction?
Sometimes I think I'd like to bottom out. But that's just a bunch of whiney I want my mommy to take care of me bullshit.
O, God of Direction, why hath thou forsaken me?
Am I normal? Or am I a fuck up? I can't tell anymore. I have no perspective. It's like that Calvin and Hobbes comic where he can see too many angles at once.
Am I wasting my life or am I just in transition? If I'm not wasting my life, would I even have to ask that question. God.
Yeah. No more booze until M!sha's wedding. Then I can get all fucked up at her wedding coz that's what people do at weddings. Shit, it's only a couple of days away in any case. Then, no booze until after Chi@pas. If I even go. Fuck. Fuck I'm fucking fucked.