Yeah...so tonight I had a really nice evening, cooking my fried tofu soup and stir fry for some friends. Later V and I had discussions, which were useful & good. Then I had the terrible (good...?) idea of joining Tom P and Betsy and Lizzy at Amra's house. V and I walked there.. it was good.
Other than the fact that my goddamn cunt neighbor slammed something on the floor of my room just before we left (her mature way of saying I'd been loud). I committed the terrible sin of walking into my bedroom to ask Amelia when she needed the alarm set for. Actually, I am allowed to walk in my apartment. And have guests. Look at State v. Hoyt, you fucking cunt knocker. Check out MN Statute 363A.02. The music was not loud. Not louder than the TV has been every single night we've ever lived here. Fucking. Bitch. Cunt. I HATe her. I thought this shit was over. She called to apologize for bitching at me...I HATE passive agressives. Can we PLEASE be upfront with one another??? EVER??? She has my phone number and I TOLD HER to call me if things were ever too loud for her. Anyway. (not really. snag fuckingcrumbletwatmisery)
Then we were all sleeping in Amra's bed, listening to the best of Leonard Cohen. ( you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye. ) I was lying between V and Liz...and I was overwhelmed. At first I thought I'd be okay, but before I could really stop, I was quaking and streaming. Did Tom and Betsy know why? They tried to comfort, but I think it went on too long. V and Liz, I think, did. Know why.
As Jeremy said, way to feel feelings.
I wanted to not (I was DONE , AGAIN , with this? yes?...no...), and I wanted to stop. But sadness overwhelmed. I keep thinking I am done being sad. I keep thinking the positive aspects of what is happening are all that there is.
My total ...
Lack of consistency,
Should tell me.
Hah. Laugh it off. Make jokes. Wish I was in welcome arms. When will my sadness end? Will it break me before it does? It's like.. I think I'm fine. I feel this great burden lifted from me...but memories keep slamming me into oblivion. Memories that don't always have to do with Ponge. Random shit from my past that I usually don't think about, and that no one really cares to hear but I need to share for some fucking reason. Everyone has their own tragic shit to deal with, do I really think mine is so unusual? It's like how after years of being vegetarian, and becoming vegan, I craved meat for some reason. I hadn't thought of meat in forever..
Hm.. what has been fucking with me lately? Huh. Suicide, Insanity, Drugs, failure, shit i was exposed to way younger and way deeper than most people, I guess. but at least my family isn't being blown up in some war?. Losing friends, family, in long protracted horrid ways to not-war. Wanting in some way to succumb to all of the above. Knowing it's not fair, not right to do that to anyone else. Don't worry about me, I'm okay. I'll be okay. You won't have to ever worry the way I've worried. How much easier would it be to be a sociopath?
I am angry. I am sad. I want to get rid of everything.
Destroy.
Usually I lose my shit in the privacy of my night. Tonight I lost it in front of friends. While it was nice to receive pets while crying uncontrollably, I felt stupid as well. But I just...kept...going. ?? . It's been a hard couple of years.
I wish Cory was here. I wish I hadn't left their embrace. I had to go, though. I would have lain there for hours, eyes open. Thinking. Feeling. Maybe started to grieve again. I wish ... confidence?
Fuxkingf goddammit!!
i've been eating and drinking and smoking everything in the world lately. as fast and regardless of good response as possible. without forethoughthow many therapists have i called that stated they have waiting lists for months? how long have i thought i needed help in processing everything?
remember those days before Ponge came across, when i was painting the walls of our new bedroom in my mom's house? remember how i thought i had made the worst decision of my life and i couldn't share that fear with anyone anyone anyone? remember how i believed i had ruined everything? remember how during his first call from senegal i silently streamed out of love and fear and adjustment? remember how that girl put her hands down my pants in the back of nathan's car on the way to drum planet and i loved it but felt bad about it later and got all fucked and got kicked out of the rave and stole shittons of beer from the bar and remember exploring that building on campus with v and j and seth and remember on that roof of whatever building curling up next to j's fuzzy hoody that first like a person thing when you've known them for awhile but never thought much about it and it's a pleasant (hah pleasant) surprise and remember thinking nothing but good was ahead of me and remember feeling the end of those days acutely and treasuring them all and blowing my nose on my skirt and gob asking me not to get so drunk
remember thinking my amazing organizing career was going to fall into my lap?
remember fantasizing about bdsm work?
remember
remem
ber.
catharsis?