Today was the longest day ever. N3w Y0rk M0rgan died yesterday morning of a heroin overdose. I really didn't know Morgan very deeply, but she was close to people in my community of friends... Isabelle had just gotten back from visiting her in New York and yesterday Morgan's boyfriend found her dead in their bathroom.
V told me over the phone and I went to V and Iz's place and watched Sex and the City (nothing like some mind numbing TV trash to keep from thinking too much) and drank wine and listened and talked. I was up until 4am and slept half-assed on AA's couch, so probably I've gotten like 3 hours of sleep.
I had a four hour meeting this morning in which I had to pretend to have my shit together, followed by busing to work to grab some things for a two hour meeting in the afternoon where I had to pretend to have my shit together followed by the longest bus ride home in the planet. Some hispanic chic was going through every one of her ring tones, on the loudest possible volume. Everyone kept turning around and giving her shut-that-thing-the-fuck-up looks. It is not appropriate bus culture. Take a social cue please. Finally I couldn't hack and said, "Not to be rude but can you please turn that down? Thank you."
I was unable to say it in an a nice stranger fake polite voice, but it was better than what I wanted to say, which was something to the effect of "Your being fucking rude can you turn that thing the fuck off and play with it when we aren't all stuck listening? Do you know how fucking annoying that is? I will break it and/or your face."
The girls were only talking to each other in Spanish so I have no clue if they are fluent in English as well, but after one more ring the thing was turned off. Thank god. Anyway I think any reasonably intelligent person could have deduced what I was saying by my body language, tone of voice, and the pissed off look on my face. Blah.
I've been anxious and depressed all day...I knew she was using heroin, but didn't know to what extent. Her parents had no clue she used drugs at all, and now they have to call family and everyone and tell them she died of an overdose and arrange for her body to be flown back to Mpls from NYC. They also hate the boyfriend and blame him for it, so he probably won't be able to go to her funeral.
What a nightmare.
I did manage to have a really good talk about death and modern American culture with two co-workers (J and M) when I stopped in to grab my shit between meetings. They offered me hugs, which I accepted. It was the closest I came to crying since I held Iz as she cried.
I kind of feel like I don't have the right to feel this way since I didn't know her very well. Probably it's in combination with anxiety and sadness about my marriage...I haven't told anyone at work yet and I really couldn't bear to do so today or I probably would have started crying and I didn't want to do that.
Probably I could benefit from seeing a counselor beyond marriage counseling. I have a lot of anxiety about trying to figure out my whole fucking life right now.
Ug. I have a long weekend coming up. Tomorrow I work 9a - 3p, then I have to get over to Coffee Shop for an afternoon meeting at 4pm. I have to get back to the house and shower and get ready to go to Yea Ol Strip club by 7:30pm til 4am. Then Saturday I'm planning on working the day shift (2pm - 8pm). There is a show at 8pm to go to (I plan on getting drunk if I have any money which I damn well better) then afternoon coffee with Kay on Sunday. Whew!
I'm not looking forward to working Friday night. Too many girls, too many idiots, too much noise. That and I'll basically have been working or travelling for 19 hours by the time 4am comes around. And they are really cracking down on the liquor there so I'm not planning on bringing anything in with me. At times your night just goes better if you take a shot or two. I hope someone else has something.
I had a cigarette last night.
This morning when there was a break in the first meeting and some people went to smoke, I realized I had absolutely no desire to join them. My cigarette cravings come later in the day. I used to smoke in the morning while biking to work.
I need to go to bed.