I'm not the ultimatum type. But I can't have this be my life. I need a partner, not a roommate who I occasionally make love with. Shit, I've been more involved in roommates lives before than Ponge and I are. I need him to be invested in us developing real memories, increasing our bond, getting to know each other at a deeper level. I can't initiate everything, I need compromise from him as well. I had this discussion with him, again. He said he heard me but wouldn't promise anything. I want someone who says, hey let's take a walk in the woods. Let's go to a museum. And, yes, let's go out to the show.
I can't live with a tv zombie for the rest of my life. I can't teach my kids that it's okay to come home and watch tv for 6 hours and then go to bed. I can't live with someone who is so set in just doing what he likes and isn't willing to try new things. Nevermind the sweet bed-time. Sweet bed-time isn't enough. And it's not even totally what I want. I want toys. I want games. I want orgasms.
I want to party with my partner - go out dancing, decide to do a line of coke, drink a little. Drink a lot, if we feel like it. I want to learn with my partner - compare the books we're reading, talk about the latest news, go to a museum together. He writes off the idea of reading or going to a museum like it's just the stupidest thing he's ever heard of.
I mean, honestly. Pick one. Do you want to be married to me or the tv?
I can be alone, I've done it most of my life.
He claims he doesn't "have time" to plan things for us. But he certainly makes time to be with his soccer friends, even going to happy hour with them. When it comes to us going out, he suddenly doesn't "have time." How does it feel, to have college football be more important than our marriage? Because that's what's at stake. God, I want to start screaming at him - what the fuck is wrong with you?? Fucking jackass, fucking asshole, how dare you pretend you are innocent in all this! How dare you pretend that it's okay to pick fucking tv over your fucking wife. FUCK YOU.
"I like what I like." Yeah, well if that's what you want then goddamn well choose it. I don't do passive very well, I don't do this leeching of my life energy, this slow death. I need some fucking clarity and I need it either to be clear, through your actions that you want to make this work; or I need it to be clear that we are done. Then I can grieve, we can figure out how to untangle our lives, and we can move on with things.
Is it telling that when I bought the new cookware I didn't discuss it with him, didn't ask him to split the price with me, wanted to keep it for myself if anything should happen?
Where would he go? Where would I go? Is it possible to live in the same bedroom with your ex-husband? He can certainly keep the goddamn TV. I can't afford to live anywhere without a roommate. We have a lease until the end of July, and with how many vacancies there are in this apartment I doubt a mutual termination could be negotiated. Maybe I would start working at the club every weekend?
I checked out another club with Rochelle and Mary on our girls' night out. Mostly we went just because Rochelle is thinking about stripping for some extra cash. But then I found out they don't have a minimum shift requirement. So I could just work one or two shifts a week, even as a new girl.
If I worked every weekend I could afford this place on my own and he could find a studio apartment or something somewhere. Who would get what bed?
Should we just separate for awhile and then if we like it better that way, get a divorce? Then we could make sure the divorce wasn't a huge mistake.