Arr..so I am a liar, liar, liar. I came home today and cleaned the everfucking kitchen. Liar. Dammit.
But Ponge is over at JoshnMary's babysitting little Gabriel. At first I was jealous they asked him, then I realized that was stupid. He has demonstrated way more interest in Gabe than I have (I love kids, but I need to meet & get to know them without their parents staring or I feel too weird) and he needs outside activities more than I have and etc. So he is not here!
I can have my "boring" labor union documentary on in the background while I fuck around on the web. No stupid baseball! Yay! Speaking of yay, check this out.
Well well, I'm of course trying to figure out my whole life, like usual. On Tuesday I'm going to an info session for Masters of Arts in Public Administration info session. I'm thinking about what I really like to do, and I think I may have eliminated Master of Arts in Non-profit Management. Look at what the Executive Director does: writes grants, does most of the work for yearly audits. I don't want to do a bunch of shitty paperwork, I want to be where the action is and help strategize and work with people and do the organizing work.
So what will help me do that? I need specific training, and I need action and change. I'm starting to feel like I can look beyond Minnesota for that schooling. Way beyond. I wonder what kind of programs exist out there when you have not limited yourself geographically? ....
I think I may have gotten a job with the wrong side of the office. Maybe it's just because of ramadan that the days drag on so, but damn if I'm not starting to get pretty bored. I still like what I do, but when I hear the organizing side of the office talking I heavily eavesdrop and feel sort of jealous. Planning meetings, strategizing. Mo' betta. We'll see how the rest of the year goes, right now is slow in my position and it is ramadan.
I'm kind of worried about after the winter, though. Seems like most of my activity will be in November and December to get us into St. Paul. Then we'll just be there. Then we'll get new law students in January & have some sort of media event in St. Paul. Then...what? Kind of seems like I just go back to answering phones...or worse, not answering phones because our volunteers can handle our call volume without my help. Then I just sit there all day answering volunteer's questions and pretending to work. I don't mind doing actual work. I like it, actually.
I don't like faking it. Number one, my conscience can't handle it. Paid for shit or not, if I'm in a place to do a job I want to do that job, and be good at it. Number two, oh how the days DRAG when I'm not actually doing anything.
I found out as a VISTA member it's practically impossible for me to get fired. Hm.
...
Probably I won't be ready to move on to another place in the world by next summer? Oh my poor little brain swims in circles with life's possibilities. Is Ponge holding me down? Am I really willing to sacrifice so many new experiences for the sake of a relationship? Is it totally irresponsible to plan my life and just see whether or not we work in it? I mean, we met and stayed met by totally unplanned life circumstances. Fate, one might call it. Is it bullshit to test fate? To say hey if we're really meant to be it will just work itself out..
Maybe I'm too selfish to really give myself to a relationship. Maybe I'm just too focused on my own life happiness. Maybe if I'm to have a long-term relationship that works I need to be with someone as active as myself, as engaged in swallowing the world.
I don't know, it's fucked up. I can think in the abstract about it at times and feel okay or confident, but then it gets to be real in my face and it fucks with me real bad and I get upset and clingy.
Messed UP. Carrie had the idea that why don't we just try to work it out at least through the end of our lease, and see what happens then. Many things could be different by then.
Is it stupid to think one can have a relationship without the occasional fuck you contest? Is that just part of it all, or do most people just settle for less? Is love enough? What type of love? I don't know if I really trust the examples of relationships that I've seen as something to base my own actions on.
I called one of the clinics on my list from my insurance company to find out it was a children's clinic. Fuckin insurance company. I did find out they cover generic welbutrin, the patch, nicorette, and other smoking cessation aids. Fucking sweet. I'll take all the help I can get.
