P and I have been on such a roller coaster. Lots of love, the perfect couple. Dead air, should really just be friends. Sometimes I find myself wishing we'd never gotten married. What does that mean? Is that normal in a long-term relationship? Is it just laziness? If I hadn't gotten married I wouldn't have to think about whether or not to stay married, at least that's my analysis..
I still fantasize about being with a girl. Someone beautiful and funny and intelligent and politically engaged. Someone I can play fun bed games with like Ponge. When we have our maybe we shouldn't be together talks I get too sad to deal with it and then feel really happy with the relationship for a couple days and wonder if I'm completely nuts to think it might not work out. I can't imagine us being apart...but then a few days go by and I feel restless and frustrated and confused and trapped and agonized...
Heartache is something I'd rather avoid. If I'm not with Ponge, am I going to find anyone as good as him, ever? I see the singles game and I don't want to be a part of it again. Shit. If we were to split, I don't think I'd want to be with anyone for a long, long time. At least I wouldn't trust my heart to anyone forever and ever. I'm sad. I need to shit.
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I wonder if this past year, rather than our schedules being different and that being the cause of our issues....I wonder if it's not more like we have much more fundamental problems than that and this past year simply gave us something else to focus on. Gave me something to blame our issues on. No, no, it's not us, it's the schedule... Maybe I'm over-analyzing this? Maybe it's just the end of the week and I'm tired, and fall just slammed into us (I mean a 40 degree drop overnight) and I'm on me rag and I cheated ramadan today so I'm not feeling very proud of myself...
Maybe I should just go outside and smoke a cigarette and come back in and go to bed. Maybe I should make that counseling appointment I keep forgetting about during normal business hours. Shite.