Well let's see, I haven't updated in about 2 weeks. I have been working some day shifts and some night shifts at the club, which basically puts me in a perpetual state of zombie. I haven't felt really rested in a long time, my appetite is all fucked up whereby I'm never really hungry and don't really enjoy what I'm eating but only eat out of the notion that this is what one does to maintain one's body.
So this week I am just working 2 day shifts (today and Friday) to get some semblence of normalcy - actually plan a meal and do a deep house clean, go to a coffee shop to read, whatever. Saturday night I had worked & then had to get up early for a baby shower for one of the girls who worked/will work again at the club. So last night I went to bed at like 10pm...I expected to wake up kind of early, but woke up at quarter after seven and felt (holy shit) refreshed! I don't think that has ever happened in my life. I must be getting old (ha!).
Day shift has been really good, I can pretty much count on walking out with a couple hundred every time. Unlike night shift, where I usually make about $120 or so. I think my personality works a lot better in the lower pressure environment that is the day shift. Also pretty much the guys that come in are looking to get off and then go back to work, so they come in and buy bed dances or peep shows and then get the hell out. Not too many squatters lately. I hate squatters. They are people that come in and don't spend any money on tiprail or dances, but just sit there for hours. So we all have to keep going on stage for some fuckin schmuck who is definitly not making it worth our time. Sometimes I am purposefully really rude or annoying to people like that so they will bloody well leave.
Well, apparently my mother is going to have to have chemo after all. It's four sessions of one kind of chemical, then four more sessions of a different kind. Time between treatments varies, depending on a number of factors. Fuckin sucks. When I heard that I finally cried about the whole thing and have in general been a lot more emotional about it ever since. Coupled with my whack sleep schedule, I have not been feeling very chipper or energetic or happy lately. In fact, I've had many an hour of feeling no joy or something. Like I feel numb in some social environments, just observing with nothing to say about any of it.
I especially hate the fact that I have not been enjoying food. This is not me, I love food. I don't really care about clothing and definitly not jewelry or really even having no couch, but I love to go out to eat or to make a good meal. I have had no pleasure from such lately, it's all felt tired. Maybe I should buy a futon. All the ones I like cost like $900. I don't know if I can spend that much money on a piece of furniture. Seems like I should be saving for when I am in grad school and I'm broke and busy as fuck.
Arg. I went to the grad school intro thing at the U of M, and I have another info session at Hamline next week. I went to "Board Boot Camp" through this program that looks to get women and people of color onto nonprofit boards, did the whole application process, etc. Now I am just waiting to hear back from them about a board opening. Which could take months, since this program is only about 4 months old. I am really excited to serve on a board again, so I hope this happens soon.
There are tons of internship opportunities out there, so hopefully I can get off my depressed ass and apply for them. The other day I was feeling super stuck in my life, thinking how stupidly I spend my time. But I have to think of the long term, I am actually working to change things. It's just going to take awhile.
I've been stressing on the kids thing lately. When the hell with I find time to have them? Okay, not now because I don't want to have "little grubsuckers" as V calls them while I'm in school. Not right after school because I want a few years to build on my career...and then will I be too old? By the time I get out of grad school I will be 27 - 29 years old, depending what route I take. Then if I work on my career for a couple years, that puts me at 30 - 33 to start having little turd mongers.
When I was younger I always saw myself having kids at like 25. Maybe it's fine, though...I'm not really sure about the health risks, as in at what age they start increasing for both baby and me.
Providing I can even have kids, that is. Since I've had multiple cysts on both ovaries and some odd cell behavior in me uterus that they did a (negative) biopsy for already.
I do want to experience pregnancy at least once, goddammit. Hm. Well, I think I am going to try to take a shower & get ready. Maybe I'll take myself out for breakfast. Perhaps since all I ate yesterday was two pieces of pizza and some cheetos (healthy, I know), I'll have a good appetite and actually enjoy my breakfast...