Wow. I just totally broke down and sobbed my ass off. I don't want to explore other people. I want to be madly in love again. But I guess if I was still madly in love I wouldn't be so dissatisfied. God this sucks. Actually, apparently I'm still sobbing. I have no idea how I'm going to go to work tonight. Last night I stripped again. I was hung over and lazy and I'm really sore today. But I made $100. I can give Ponge $40 for the cat supplies he bought. I wanted to take him out tomorrow night for a steak dinner. Yeah, I mostly don't eat the shit but we've been so broke for so long, it seems like a special enough occasion.
Except that when I turned on the computer today I saw some XXXMOVIE icon had been downloaded onto my desktop. So I checked the history and porn site after porn site was listed. I went to a few of them to check it out and got 5 million pop-ups. I did a virus/adware/spyware scan and haven't found anything but that doesn't mean there is nothing on there. I was really pissed because we have talked about this before. He doesn't know shit about computers so doesn't know what kind of sites might be safe or not. So I called him to ask him about it and express my frustration, we fucking have talked about this before. Get a video, magazine, or go to a club. Stay the fuck away from run of the mill sites because you don't know enough to discern the malicious ones.
He just said, I apologize, alright, I'll see you later.
I don't know why but it just seemed like he didn't give a flying fuck about me or how I was doing and just wanted to get the hell off of the phone.
I don't really know, maybe my calm semi-depression that's been lingering for months has finally erupted. I can't express the tears rolling down my face, I don't know what they are. They are everything at once. Apparently it doesn't matter where I go, I can be miserable all over the globe!
I don't want to go to work. I want to wander in the streets with a pack of cigarettes and some kleenex and comfortable shoes. And I can do that, too.