Alright. I took this test on tickle.com to see what "side" of my brain I supposedly use the most and it said I was balance-brained. Which is good because I have many strengths, but bad because I can get paralyzed by indecision. I think that is pretty accurate. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am going to take the first job offer that comes along, no looking back, no wondering about that dream job I missed out on. People my age with useless liberal arts degrees flounder about for a couple years in jobs that aren't their particular inclination, yes? Well I think I just have to accept that and move on. I'm real tired of being so damn broke all the time, and I'm real tired of the job search and real tired of people asking me about the job search. I know they ask because they care, but I kind of just want to say - yo, if I ever actually get a job it will be the first thing I say when I see you.
I got another rejection letter today, from a group that I thought I had a really good phone interview with and from whom I was expecting a second interview. Bastards. It's demoralizing to send out my hopes and dreams and advertise my best self and be told again and again that it's not good enough, in pseudo-nice totally impersonal form letters. It makes me feel like maybe I'm really not capable of doing the work I've been applying for. My rational brain has to look back at what I've done in the past and remember that I fuckin rock and whatever reasons I'm not getting hired probably have less to do with my capabilities and more to do with circumstance and other shit beyond my control.
I still think about going back to stripping, but not because I want to. Just because I'm sick of being on such a tight fucking budget. I realize I have more stuff and food and whatever than most of the world (tho right now we are down to canned goods and onion sauce with rice), but I also realize I have access to more and that if the people whose lives are stuck in poverty had that access they would take advantage of it as well. There isn't necessarily anything noble about being in poverty by force. It's just the way shit is for a lot of people.
Not that I strive to be a millionaire, just that if I were working as well it would basically double our current income. That would mean I could buy a cup of coffee without it being in my budget for the week, and I could have some savings.
Blah...I just have to get it into my head that ANY type of non-profit work would be amazing to secure right now, no matter the function and no matter the cause. Apply for the dream job, hope in a distant way for the dream job. Take whatever the fuck I can get.
In the future, when I have more experience, maybe if the economy stops giving all the good stuff the shaft (like if the career politicians all died of evilness and people who actually cared and had a clue took their places) and there are more np jobs out there, maybe in a couple years if I get my masters, maybe then I will have opportunity to actually secure a job I love. Stupid reality.