So...here's the deal. I printed out that last entry and Ponge and I discussed things over dinner. We came to the mutual conclusion that we should break up in order to maintain our love and friendship, in order to assure that the trajectory we were on wouldn't spiral into resentment and hate. However, we are still living together, still physically intimate, still married. So...it's more like we have an open marriage (in the practicality of how this is playing out) until we can figure out what we really want to do. I don't think we are certain that things won't get better with time and communication and other life developments. So we don't want to do anything drastic...
I don't really know anything about long term relationships, never really having seen one that I would consider healthy. I am aware that these relationships go through difficult times, and that maybe this is just one of those times. I am, however, relieved in many ways. I've been so stressed about all this shit and it's good to have it out in the open. It's good to put our assumptions on hold and re-examine what we want in a relationship/in a partner, and in life. There are a lot of sexual and other relationships that I am curious about, that I can't help but wonder about and I have felt restricted by this monogamous situation. I have also felt extremely grateful to have a steady partner...it's possible that I will go out and do my exploring and find that the "freedoms" are too complicated to maintain and that I would rather "settle." Whether or not that will still be possible (with Ponge) when and if I make that conclusion, remains to be seen.
Neither of us really know what is going to happen, and it may not be a pleasant path.
But it will be an honest one, it will be us being ourselves and seeking our own truths and our own happiness.
....more later.