God I'm such a fucking asshole. I guess. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused. I really love Ponge, I really do. He is the most easy going, amazing partner in so many ways. I guess maybe I just have all this lust for queer folk that I qualify as hey I just happened to fall in love with a straight male who has nearly no notion of what being queer means. I guess I don't really know what the hell I'm doing after all.
Maybe I should just admit it. Last night when Jess and I were drunk we made out completely exhibitionist style in front of these two guys she invited over. Part of me turned into this stripper girl, like putting on this show that I was totally detached from. Only I wasn't being paid, it was with a friend. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I have never, never, ever cheated on a partner before. I have always considered that the lowest of lows. I have always said that if you need to cheat on your partner than there is something wrong with your relationship. Like either break up or get an open one. Only now I'm fucking married. Like the gravity of the relationship hasn't really hit me or something. Like I had just started to explore my queer self and then I get into this life long relationship with a straight man from another country.
Oh jesus. I feel so fucking ashamed and weirded out and I have no idea what to do. The moral thing to do is to tell him exactly what happened. But I'm scared of the consequences. What the fuck will happen to us if he knows? What the fuck will happen to us if he doesn'tknow? Will this be like the horrible start of some pattern were when he is not around I make out with some girl? I mean, I know that I am not attracted to any other men at all. There are so many that hit on me all the time, so many that offer. Not a fucking one has ever tempted me. But women...so many women make me wonder and think.
Am I a lesbian and don't even know it? I always considered myself, in laymans terms, bisexual. Not always. But since I realized that I was queer (I was a late starter on sexuality in general. Fuck why do I feel defensive about not realizing this right away? Why do I feel the need to contextualize?)
What could possibly explain that no men have ever tempted me to cheat on my beautiful wonderful husband but I cheated on him with a woman? We kissed on the mouth, and sucked each others breasts, and dry fucked (my pants were on the whole time, so not wet fucked) listening to Lords of Acid....exhibitionist. In front of two guys. It's like we were doing it (for me anyway) just to give a show. Like I knew it was wrong, but somehow I wasn't there, Souxie (pronounced Susie) the stripper was there. God that is SO fucked up. I need to quit that fucking job, its getting into my head, my morals, my reality.
What do I do? When will I even get a chance to talk to him? Tomorrow night is V's birthday, work Wed and Thurs, Fri is my birthday, work Sat...
I shouldn't even have gone out tonight. We had a nice dinner with pregnant Josh and Mary and then went to a benefit concert/hip hop show. J & M are early sleepers & Ponge had to work in the morning so they left just as Jess was getting there. Ponge and I haven't seen each other all fucking week and he said he was feeling really emotional on Saturday because he really misses his real friends in Senegal. I think money and being here is starting to sink in, starting to freak him out. I think we are realizing our totally different life plans like he was surprised when he asked if I wanted to live in Senegal for the rest of my life and I said no.
My real friends and my family are here in the states. His are there in Senegal. I just said that since it wasn't an option for us to live there right now anyway since we have our jobs to work on that we shouldn't worry about it. Maybe by the time it's a possibility I will feel differently about it. Or maybe by that time we'll want to part ways...
I didn't say the latter.
He kept joking and saying that I want to stay in the States because I like to drink and party. I said that there was more to it than that. As fucked as some of our society is, there are certain aspects that I really appreciate and which don't exist in Senegal. One thing my soujourn abroad taught me is that no matter what I like to deny, I am American (like United Statesian since I am talking about the USA and not the rest of the Americas) through and through. That's just what I'm used to and a lot of what I like.
What happened tonight sinked in as I walked home and contemplated telling Ponge. How could he ever trust me again? I don't deserve his trust after this. Jesus. I tried really hard to throw up when I was brushing my teeth, gagging on the spit and chain-smoking drainage from my sinuses. Gagging on my disgusting behavior. But nothing came out. I just feel ill.
I will take all the advice anyone in diaryland has to give on this one because this is totally alien territory for me. I'm lost.