I'm a bit frustrated. I left town last Wednesday morning to go to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee on Friday & I spent some auxilary days in Madison to see my family and friends down there. Ponge couldn't go because he started this new temp job. So I was gone Wednesday morning through Monday evening. Nothing really remarkable happened, just visiting with old friends and feeling mildly guilty about not spending more time with my mom while I was there - although I did take her out to eat. I've also been sick this whole time, from about Tuesday night (before I left) on. My symptoms are a nasty cough that floats between productive and dry/burning, fatigue and mild nausea that come and go, and a mildly snotty nose. The cold/flu hasn't really changed for about a week. Hopefully I have mono, that would be fuckin super.
Anyway. Monday night when I got back I was feeling exhausted - some combo of the trip and my flu/cold thing. Ponge was super happy to see me, telling me how much he missed me, being really affectionate, etc. I was wiped out so not that energetic & went to bed before he did. Plus while I did miss him, I doubt I missed him as much as he did me because I was out having good times with friends I'd not seen in months. So I probably wasn't as affectionate back, and when he joined me in bed I was already sleeping - I woke up and snuggled a little but I pretty much just fell back asleep.
We spent the next day together - cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, etc. I had my friend Jess come over in the afternoon and I bought a bunch of Mary Kay shit from her because she's broke as hell. I probably spent twice what I would have, but I figured it was for work and I could make it back. Jess left, Ponge woke up from his nap, and we were chillin there watching TV when V called me to see what I'd been up to. I hadn't seen her in about two or three weeks. I figured, though, that since she had a Spanish exam the next day that I'd wait to see her until Wednesday. Then she mentioned that some peeps were going to the bar for 2forTuesdays. I hadn't seen any of these friends in weeks either, so I called over to That House (my name for a house a bunch of people I know live in) and found out that people were indeed going out. I still hadn't decided if I wanted to go out or not, thinking maybe I should spend the evening with Ponge instead. Anyway, I called Isabelle to see if she was going. If she was, that would seal it - I would go. And she was, so I did. I invited Ponge, but like usual he declined. I was really only planning on going out for a couple of hours since I was feeling tired anyway. But once I got there I ordered Bell's Two-Hearted Ale & got a lot drunker than I thought I would & of course when you're drunk you have lots of energy & don't want to stop.
We all eventually went over to Jess's house (we all being Jess, me, Lance, NewJeremy (not Jeremy from That House, but one of the bouncers from the bar Jess had befriended), and Dave (my old boss from when I had a respectable non-profit job). We stayed up all night long talking politics and dancing to Lords of Acid and eventually everyone but Lance, Jess, and I were there and those two fucked somewhere around 10 in the morning. I hope they used a condom, but I didn't feel like asking. I woke up at about 1pm and called Ponge, still way hungover. I think he was expecting me to come home soon and honestly I wanted to but I was hungover and the sun was bright and the bike ride just seemed too daunting. So I slept until about 6:30pm when Jess had to leave to go to the bank. I got home at maybe 7pm and Ponge was pretty much ignoring me as far as I could tell. He didn't say hi or even really look at me when I walked in the door. I went and cuddled on top of him because I was tired and I wanted to show affection. He put his arm around me, but it seemed kind of reluctantly. I was supposed to go over to V's house at nine for Stitch N Bitch (where we get together and knit and talk and eat). I had called Ponge on my way home and invited him to Stitch N Bitch - I was hoping he would meet me there so I didn't have to bike home then bike there. When I asked if he wanted to go over there, he just said "no." I don't know why but the way he said it pissed me off - like there is no fucking possibility that he could come over there. But I'll get to the rant in a bit.
So when I went home I tried to convince him to go - it would be something small, there would be food there, it would be calm. But he was just like - hey I'm watching the game. I pointed out that just the other day he was talking about how he didn't care about baseball, how it was basketball and football that he liked (of American sports). He said he wanted to know what people are talking about when they mention the Twins, Yankees, etc. Uh. Ok.
Anyway, eventually I didn't even go. I passed out on our mattress (our "couch" is a futon mattress on the floor) at like 8:30pm and slept there until some time after Ponge had gone to bed. Let me mention that his only attempt at getting me to go to bed with him was this really short "Kelly. Kelly." I HATE it when people try to wake me up by just saying my name over and over, especially if it's from another room or something. I much prefer a person to take 2 fuckin seconds and sit next to me, tickle me, poke me, shake me, pet me, do something that indicates an affectionate attempt at waking you.
So Thursday rolls around and V invites me over to eat some soup and we are going to go to That House to hang with Cory, then to not pregnant Josh & Mary (my old roomies)'s house so Cory and V can get help with something or other concerning their bikes & then back to That House for Horror Movie Night. Ponge comes home from going to the DMV just as I'm about to walk out the door. I invite him along, like I always do; although I'm expecting him to say no, like he always does. But he decides to come along. Yay!
So we go to V's and get fed and then to That House where we watch Fehrenheit 911 (that movie gets more obnoxious every time I see it)(no I don't know how to spell fehrenheit). It's starting to get dark and Ponge doesn't have a bike light so he decides to leave. I walk him outside to the porch to give him a kiss & hug goodbye. He says - so, see you tomorrow? I think and say, yeah, probably. He says, I'm going to have to get me a second wife. One that will come home and sleep with me at night. I look at him and say, well, maybe you can stay out at night once in awhile. He says, nope, I'm going to have to get another wife. I was just like, uh, well we'll talk about that later.
You know, I understand that maybe it's rude or selfish or whatnot of me to rarely stay home with him at night. But the main cause of me not being home at night has been work, not play. So on my days off I do like to go out, it's true. However, it's also true that he has made essentially no effort whatsoever to gain a social life either in conjunction with mine or one of his own. He almost never comes with me to visit my friends, even though I tell him he can leave whenever he wants since he has a bike. He has made very little effort to get together with our old friends from Senegal (girls in the same program as me that still live in Mpls), and has also made very little effort to contact the people he met here through his soccer tournament a couple months ago. So maybe it's rude of me to spend so much time away from the house when I'm not at work, but I can't sit here and be his only source of social contact! I mean, he isn't controlling or anything wierd and abusive - he never tells me to stay home or anything. But maybe that's part of the problem. If he is feeling left behind or hurt or whatever, he needs to have a fucking talk about it with me rather than making shitty little wierd comments once in awhile. I don't see why the fuck it is that any conversation we've ever had that was about our relationship has been initiated by me.
I also am getting tired of feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with my friends. I like to go out, that's how the fuck it is. Maybe we can arrange more specified "us" time or something, but he needs to fucking make an effort to get to know some other human beings in this city. I don't like feeling responsible for his social happiness & well being. I'm not a fucking babysitter, I'm a partner. Make some goddamn effort. And he needs to stop sitting around looking at internet porn when I'm not home. It actually is starting to wierd me out because if he feels like he needs to hide something so ridiculous as porn it kind of makes me wonder. I mean, with my job and all I'm not home for a garaunteed amount of time - what if he's calling 1-800 numbers and ringing up a huge bill or whatever other nasty scenerios have popped into my mind.
Well. He came home from where ever he was. So I should probably have a conversation with him and stop uselessly hacking away into cyberspace.