I'm thinking about trying to publish my old diary. I think also that I should try to dedicate an hour each day to writing. Not to try to think about making it interesting for the reader...although that will inevitably be a factor in what I say. But just that I have regretted my loss of interest and ability as a writer for a long time, and this pseudo-memoir format makes it easy to clack away..
Right now our relationship is at a difficult point. Really the continuation is at stake. But I am not interested in ending the relationship, I am interested in making it work. Ponge is starting to experience how different we really are, something I've been acutely aware of for at least a year and a half; given that I've had the advantage of being in his culture knowing where I come from whereas he really hadn't known both our cultures when we met and married. I do remember trying to explain how we were very different, which he didn't believe at the time (in Senegal). He really saw me as I was acting in a different culture, and naturally assumed that it was how I always act. Not acting as in being fake, just acting as in being influenced by social pressures different from where I was from. Pretty much always non-mainstream, I have really come to appreciate the powers of social norms from having been submerged in a social environment I hadn't developed confidences and tools to resist. Additionally, as I knew my stay there was temporary, there were certain things I didn't bother to deal with - instead I just put up with them as a learning experience. I wasn't really there long enough to understand many things that offended my sensibilities enough to make overt acts of resistance. One example being the extreme level of homophobia.
Anyway. Our major issues are our differences of interest, some of which I believe in the American context are caused by his language limitations (which are destined to improve) and as of yet not full understanding of American cultures. Another major problem is the schedules we keep. His is fairly morning to night, and mine is fairly night to morning. As I see it, we can't do anything about that until he finds gainful employment. The schedule I work is making our relationship difficult, as well as the nature of the work (which leaves me with very little sex drive); but right now I am earning enough for the two of us to live off of. When he gets a job, I can quit this lucrative business to get something more in-tune with the life-style we desire. But for now, we are the only people responsible for paying our bills and I don't see much choice in the matter. Part of being a responsible adult is taking care of business, even if it means sacrifices. I hope that we can have patience, together, and learn, together, with this period of our lives.
In the short term, we are doing - I am doing - what has to be done to meet our fiscal responsibilities. In a certain manner of thinking, it has been good for our communication skills to go through this period of uncertainty. I think we are both admitting truths we had long coddled in the interest of the relationship. But any relationship that is long term is going to be some amount of work. It remains to be seen what level of work is worth it, it remains to be seen if our attempts at having our love of one another be enough to keep us happy together will succeed. For the present, I look forward to a more settled future, and I am willing to put a lot of energy into us. For the present, I think that our difficulties will pass. I think things will work out and that when he gets a job & I get a job that is more along the lines of "normal," things will smooth out.