So, after a week of phone tag and insurance confirming, we have a marriage counselor. She apparently likes to see each person individually the first time, then see the couple together. Since Ponge has some potential plans on Saturday morning, I am going to go first - 11am.
I've never seen a counselor before, I'm kind of excited. The Big Question: is this just a down part of the relationship that will/can get worked out or are we just fundamentally fucked? Lately I've been feeling like we're just fucked, but I want to try every angle I can before giving up completely. It's all about the no-regrets policy. Of course in life one will always have some regrets, but I'd like to minimize those if I can.
I hope she doesn't suck. Her voicemail is in English and Spanish, so that's a good sign. I want someone who understands the complexities of an international relationship.
I think I will go to work tomorrow. I'm a little afraid I'm going to have a coughing fit while on the phone, which is gross because it's almost always accompanied by lung guck. I think I can handle it, I just don't want to push myself and irritate what already exists.
Like this morning I swept around the cat box because Gemini leaves little bits of cat litter about & I had to lie down afterwards for like 2 minutes because I was so out of breath.
Tom said his grandmother died of pneumonia and it made her really bitchy all the time. I can't imagine this being a permanent state, I think I might get pretty bitchy too. I hope I remember what this feels like so when I'm well again I don't start smoking.
God I love smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in nearly 5 days. I don't really want one now, but I do have this thing in my head/body that looks forward to being well enough to smoke. Sick. I'm like a junkie waiting for her veins to heal enough so she can poke 'em again.
I need those stop-smoking aids ASAP. The first week ain't shit. It's the first couple months that are hard. Then it's the year later when you think that just one little cigarette while drunk isn't going to hurt anything. Dammit. I hate cigarettes. But I love to smoke. Why are all the really satisfying things you can physically shove into your body so bad for you? What kind of idiot made the world that way?
We have a De@th R0w P0t1uck coming up at work. It was supposed to be tomorrow but then everyone voted to move it to November 7th because it's Ramadan. Essentially they moved it for me (I wasn't at the vote, I was out sick). But now I'm not fasting because that's the last thing my body needs and I'm probably coming back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be eating. So I feel kind of dumb.
Anyway, I don't know what to bring. I think if I actually was on death row, I'd ask for some good heroin. For fucks sake, it's not like I have to worry about coming down from it or getting addicted. It would be my one chance in life to try the shit guilt-free and worry-free. Unless I got a pardon at the last instant, wouldn't that be a shit of a situation? The other thing I'd want was my favorite meats, I'm sure. Tons of crispy bacon, Chorizzo sausage, perfect steak. Maybe a really good salad to go with and some expensive champagne or beer or both. Definitly lots of cigarettes. Maybe McDonalds just to know what it tastes like.
Hardly any of these things is appropriate since it's a potluck and we have vegetarians in the house.
So then what? Garlic mashed potatos? Tofu smoothies? Indian food that I don't know how to make? Maybe I can get Ponge to make some mafe?
This time alone has been lovely. Sucky, but guilt-free lazing about the house is nice even if it's because I am ill.