I so almost have a guestbook, comments, and daily crap at the bottom. I broke down & bought a 3 month super-gold membership. I figure when I have a real job/steady income I can buy the year-long.
Tonight I went over to v's place. Corey was there, and drunk Iz for a short period of time. Goddamn, was I feeling so negative. Corey was drunk, too. Iz was puking up blood. I don't want to be around that when I leave the house because my own place is depressing to be in and feels isolated. Ponge just watches fucking TV & we hardly ever talk. I'm feeling so fucking negative and sick of shit right now. Sick of adjusting to things forever, feeling like all the great life I thought I'd be living up here isn't going to happen. The people I wanted to come back to live a lifestyle that is life-sucking. I want to be around positive people who feel in control of what they are doing with their lives, or at least are making an effort to get there.
I should really fucking quit stripping. I like my job while I'm there, but I hate it the rest of the time or at least think about it too much & it has a huge effect on the rest of my life. I can finish out my week and then just at least take a break. I feel trapped by the money. Ponge doesn't have income & right now that is income that we can get by on, the two of us. I would feel much better all around if he was working. Watching him waste away in this goddamned apartment is so depressing. Watching him sleep, eat, shit, shower, watch TV and maybe do the dishes once in awhile just sucks. He used to be so active - going running every night, soccer games & practices. Plus working. I don't understand how he can just sit here, it makes me angry and unhappy. I want a partner who is active, not someone who brings me down & sits on his ass all day inside these fuckin walls. And winter is coming soon enough.
And I don't really feel good about calling my friends up here, I don't know what the hell is up. I thought I'd be so happy to have intellectuals to have around and I just miss my normal friends back in Madison. I guess the grass is always greener, heh? I'm still pissed at Josh&Mary1 and feel weird around Josh&Mary2 while my old crusty friends are mostly drunks. Jess is really the only one i feel comfortable around at all. I have no threat from her. We were so broke when we got here that I felt embaressed to have people over and now it seems to late and jesus christ.
I should stop drinking for a month again. Every time I have a night off I can't stand being in the apartment all day & night so I go out and come home late and Ponge is in bed already and he refuses to go out with me most of the time and the whole situation just goddamned SUCKS.
Well we are going out together to eat steak on Tuesday, which he doesn't seem too happy about. Our relationship is really crap right now. We love each other for sure but when do we ever talk about our day well I guess we have no day to talk about. We aren't snapping on each other or anything, it's just this low grade non-communication sad stupid thing. I knew I was right to want to live in a house with other people, at least to start off. We need to be in social situations, but we don't have the same ideas of what we like to do. How the fuck did I marry a hermit?? Damn, I just don't remember him being like this in Madison.
DO SOMETHING FOR CHRIST SAKES>
I was really hoping he would be awake when I got home tonight so we could talk but instead he went to bed and I want to cry and I am just typing away at this dumb diary no one reads anyway and the super gold membership I bought hasn't gone through yet. MUTHER FUCKER.
i hate this shit right now.
it better get better than this.