Hm. I feel like there are these two forces in my life, self-destruction and self-construction; and they are battling it out for winner.
Self-destruction: getting totally wasted two days in a row (hello alcoholic, scary!).
Self-construction: getting an interview with a group that seeks to place women and people of color on local non-profit boards.
Wow, I am far too lazy to name all the other ways I have this battle playing out.
I will say, that the more I meet other people who are interested in me, the more I love and value Ponge. Other people are scary. I'm not looking to fall in love with anyone, I'm already in love with someone. I'm just looking for sexual exploration and maybe friendship. But people get all needy and jealous really quickly!
Specifically, Lisa (girl whose house I went to and made out with a couple weeks ago) is all - you're so beautiful to me, I know you're not that attracted to me but I don't care, blah blah. It kind of wierds me out. V says I can't control how people are going to feel, specifically, I can't tell people not to fall in love with me. I have been totally honest with suitors and potential suitors about my situation and where my heart is. But is that enough? If someone is falling for me despite my best efforts to avoid that should I break it off to spare their feelings in the long run? Is it irresponsible of me to keep seeing someone who likes me a hell of a lot more than I like them? I mean, in some respects I should just treat people like adults and let them make their own decisions even if I think they are going to get hurt.
On the other hand, I have no idea how to respond to someone fawning over me so heavily after such a short period of time. Lisa just moved up here and I think maybe she's lonely. Like maybe she isn't so in lust/like with me as what I represent. Apparently the only other people she knows up here are older and very straight.
Whatev. Tonight was complete crap at the club. I couldn't figure out why and then I remembered that it's Easter tomorrow. Can you tell I was raised by an athiest? Thank the gods for that. Anyway, so people don't want to sin over Easter weekend or something. My point is, if you are going to go to church the next day and pray for forgiveness - shouldn't you get all your sinning in beforehand? You can just pray it away the next day, right? Why wait til the next weekend to get drunk and go to the strip club?
This country is so bloody Christian. Even 24-7 grocery stores are closed tomorrow. They didn't close a damn thing for Ramadan, or Hannukah. Or Einstein's birthday. Persecuted Christians my ass. Asking to attempt to keep church and state seperate is not bloody persecution.